I GOT MY CANNABIS CARD!!!

 

Jen R and i are at the DMV.

Jen R: this is where you get a medical marijuana card, right? where you get it laminated.

me: MM, not Morning Meditations, Medical Marijuana.

Jen: why does everyone here look like Crocodile Dundee?

Jen splays a WIDE mattress in the center of the dirty DMV open opal floor.

Jen: hit me with your best shot, fire away.

me: is that an invitation or a warlock spellcasting summons?

we cuddle on the center of the mattress and people-watch all the DMV disgruntled harried line-takers going around in circles. around the mattress.

Jen: i feel all spacey here. have you checked out the DMV coffee room?

me: it's all about efficiency at the DMV. 

Jen: INGENIOUS!!! instead of three chilled expensive bottles of iced coffee on the flimsy side-table, they bought ONE milk carton of lukewarm iced coffee.   

me: the DMV is about speed.

Jen: i wish it were about speedballs. 

me: check out all the tiny wooden spoons here.

Jen: the Irish Cream isn't white, it's grey. all water in coffee mugs is grey. the girl taking your picture for the cannabis card has a humidifier in her cubicle, that's odd.

Greykid: why do humans change their humidifiers DAILY?

Jen: because.........no idea.

Greykid: no i'm trying to teach you something, you have to think about it in terms of a cat's water dish, you change that out with fresh water every day so why shouldn't humans have fresh water every day?

Jen: it's called Global Warming.

Leslie Sbrocco: Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster? puh-lease, San Francisco Bay Biscuits were baking in crockpots to the side of lobster nets in this city 200 years prior!!!

Richard Pryor: i was the ONLY ONE who truly loved the man Robin Williams.

Saturn return: finally the whole Age 27 thing is explained.

Kurt Cobain: i was studying the wrong planet. i was studying Uranus.

Mardith: it's almost time for my Great Age 27 Tumult. 

Madame Pons: you'll be fine, dear. just batten down the hatches and take your decks of tarot cards with you to the basement...

Reacher: i'm Reacher, not Tracker, Tracker is the other guy, get it right, i'm on your side.........politically...

Nahuel Guzman: the greatest magic trick i ever performed was not keeping the futbol out of the soccer net, it was restoring my wife Celine Dion's voice again...

the devil: the greatest trick i ever pulled off was finding out i could bend.........i could be lenient and not just for Ingmar Bergman.........i could do a pull-up.

Toby: Cinnabon Pull-Aparts?

Kathryn: there are Cinnabon crumbs in your bed.........from me...

Toby: i'm kicking you out of my bed, Kathryn.

Celine Dion: i sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" on my comeback album, i'm going country like Beyonce.

Hamburglar: there were no burgers on your farm!!!

David Cameron: Israel will counterstrike against Iran...

Woody Allen: Lord Cameron? that's just weird to say...

in their bedchamber in an English castle.

Gwen Stefani: because of you i named the next No Doubt album Return of Saturn.

Gavin Rossdale: you're still in that silly band? yeah Saturn return, the planet Saturn returns from orbit for the first time since your birth, it's a time of great tumult, uncertainty, depression, and general questioning of everything you were ever taught.

Gwen: this explains why i started reading Sylvia Plath when it was 27 instead of in college...

Gavin: great, i was the author of my own demise. because of this wisdom i imparted to you you're going to go out and start doing crazy unexplainable baffling things like leave me for Blake Shelton.

Gwen: it's your fault, both meanings. that sounds like a good idea for a song.

Gavin: it's a good germ. but what kind of song? grand grunge or silly ska?...

Sylvia Plath: i started reading Sylvia Plath after i died. for context.

me: Jen, my love is real. my love for you is real, this is serious, this isn't a joke. i gotta talk to you. my home life is a disaster, it's disastrous. it's not safe for me to be there anymore. do you ever wake up in the morning and realize you're trapped? that you're living on a sinking ship.

Jen: the people on the Titanic never woke up...

me: why does Baltimore have to have dead phones and friends' art galleries?

Jen: Rose, with Leo DiCaprio's money, went on to do double-door installations in Carmel...

Omaha Steaks: Steak Like You Meat It

DoorDash: fuck Walmart, right? why wait for tea tree oil and cotton swabs a week when you can have them delivered to your stoop TODAY!!! lifesaving medicine IMMEDIATELY.

Doryce: i love sucking cotton balls, tea tree teabag.

Ear Horn: tea tree oil can only be properly conjured in a witch kettle at the back of Pic-N-Save, mix well with a sap spoon.  

Morgan Bolling: is that like a witch Dutch oven?

Storybook International wood spoon: always have many spoons in the stone soup, always be watching 5 minutes of 5 TV shows at the same time...

Minster: are you watching that Catholic priest on Instagram with Larry David comedy chops?

Larry David: Larry-Day Saints?

Minster: see? you CAN be a priest and a comedian who uses blue and dark humor. 

Catholic priest: you get in an accident and your stereo's still on. playing Britney Spears. embarrassing. presets, am i right?

Minster: a goth priest. Father Ted taught us well.

Sean Connery: i mean of COURSE monks can joke, that's about as funny as ME!!!, SEAN CONNERY!!!, playing a goddamn monk!!!

chicken pot pie: the official cinereous meal of Storybook International...

Jen: you know why you love Storybook International so much? they are all stories with an old mother wondering how her good-natured well-meaning but clumsy son will fare in the world when she's gone.

me: i'd be a dreamer too if i lived in Medieval times...

Jen: all the women in these '80s Medieval tales have that British-pornstar look...

dark rye bread: actually tastes better UNTOASTED than toasted...

Caroline Wozniacki: the Dragon's-Tail Spire is no more. but you can't eat money. especially coins. be calm cool and collected, the Danish way. collect no bills and watch The Flight of Dragons with your kids...

Jean-Luc Picard: sure, splash some Earl Grey oil on your skin tags.

Jen: that's the good burning.

Jean-Luc Picard: if you have a skin tag in your eye you're shit out of luck, you don't want that stuff burning your eyehole. in my case i just became a Borg and got that Borg Eye...

Ear Horn: you're so cute, baldy, wanna dance? wanna go on The Golden Bachelor?...

Eden Rainbow-Cooper: i followed my rainbow, did you follow yours? no i'm not a voice on the Garbage Pail Kids cartoon...

Oscar Pistorius: so i can't even get a Reese's Medal?...

Smiling Friends boss: i look like Ross Perot, who won the '96 Election in a landslide upset...

Pati Jinich: i'm a Mexican kawaii anime magical princess.

Mila the dog: and i'm a Japanese polar cat...

Adrian Bliss: i'm the ULTIMATE EXAMPLE of someone who wanted to do sketches on YouTube but had NO CAST, NO ONE WAS INTERESTED in acting with me...

Nike Olympics: we see you...

cicadas: prepare to watch A LOT of anime...

Kathryn from Wendy's: FINALLY here is me in all my glory, my PHAT butt in jeans and...

Toby: small tits.

Kathryn: Toby, you will never pull apart my CLOTHES, you realize this, right?

Toby: but Cinnabon's not big anymore...

Safelite.

Kendrick: it's me, Takahashi!!!

the UPS Store: shred here. 

E.Z. Taylor from Three's a Crowd on a surfboard: thanks. notice how SERIOUS i am on Jake and the Fatman?...

Kayak scarecrow.

lady: i'm gonna stuff my bra.........with this hay here and become Batman's #1 nemesis Scarecrow.........oh fuck this, it'll never be the same, Kevin Conroy is dead. Scarecrow, put me under one of your Genjutsus...

Johnsonville: let's see each other again. no more manufactured outrage, only brats cooked on the grill LENGTHWISE. 

Panera: we invented bacon...

Chris D at the DMV: boring is brilliant. okay having this commercial come on during a break from the Space Shuttle Columbia Disaster documentary on CNN was in poor taste... 

Tony Hawk: the key to my success? gas-station sushi. no really, that's the skateboarder ethos, we just don't care...

Chris D: you can type more words than BOOBIES on your Casio calculator from the '80s. 

Flipper: Flipper as a horror movie, Flipper as a shark.........think about it...

Frankie Corzo: let's rappel down this wall. natural wall. you think climbing the rope in gym class was hard?

husband: it chafed my inner thighs.

Frankie Corzo: think about climbing the rope in gym class knowing you knocked up your girlfriend.

husband: you mean we're having a baby?!!!

Frankie Corzo: Nintendo makes it official, with their Nintendo Official Seal.

husband: but Animal Crossing's not big anymore...

Sabrina Curzi: i'm her niece...

BEHR paint. BEHRthoven.

Ludvig Aberg: Amadeus?...

at the DMV Bobby Shmurda is holding a concert. Shmurda breaks out his Shmurda Dance on stage inside the DMV to Filter's "Take a Picture"...

Jen plants a WET-ASS kiss on my lips.

Jen: i can't think of a better moment to big-kiss you, rap and the DMV go way back. before Grandmaster Flash. let me help you with your problems.

 

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: DO YOU REALLY NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL? COLLEGE IS DISNEYLAND

 

William Shakespeare takes ahold of his Berkeley City College class on playwriting once again.

class: yes Bill!!!

William Shakespeare: okay that's a modicum of respect, i'll take it, i had none when i was alive. it's okay to be second-rate, people still think i didn't write my plays. but i have a special message for YOU.

me: uh oh.

Shakespeare: you need to be thinking of your thesis, you know? if you don't hand in your original play you wrote by the end of the semester, i hold the remainder of your college career in my gloved hand.

me: not again!!! first it was the endless nameless administrators, now you. i'd rather have you hold me tho, hug me, Willy.

Shakespeare: we don't do no dirty fucking in Berkeley, feel me? letter grade written by me with my quill pen.

me: when's the end of the semester?

Shakespeare: three more weeks.

me: what am i going to do?

Jen P: you're sweating. that should be me. thanks for joining me at this adventure-hike rappelling wall. i need to blow off some steam. caused by you.

Jen R: you're trying out for American Gladiators?

Berkeley: our parks are GOLDEN during Fall!!! all the women have big tits and they're putting something in their mouth as if through a straw, no it's not a penis, it's most assuredly a vagina. or, you know, it's probably a pot cig.

Madame Pons: i did a lot of herb classes at Berkeley. how to plant herbs, forestry. not for the kitchen. i don't remember dorm life, the only thing i recall is i had a water bottle i carried with me in my backpocket at all times full off Tinkerbell pixie dust.

Berkeley Buccaneers: we don't really PLAY baseball, we just kinda INVENTED the sport and let the Chinese perfect it. it's IRONIC that we're named after colonialist raiders, that's why we went with the name, for the academic exercise.

Luigi the baseball coach and psychiatrist: dripping with thick irony like your soaked stirrups.

Tom Brady: why didn't i go to Berkeley? seems the most logical step...

Mr. Holland: what you got in your tuba bag, kid? that thing is HUGE!!!

student: in my tuba sack? nothing. okay it's a priceless Van Gogh painting, one of a kind, i stole it from the Louvre.

Mr. Holland: at least you didn't lob paint at it. i hold your future in my hand, kid, and this hand has touched boob. this is Berkeley High, the high school that's the direct PORTAL to Berkeley City College!!!

goth student Julie Patzwald: i know. but i figured why not cheat? everyone else goes for the shortcut. i mean think about it, i was so smart i figured out an escape route out of the freaking Louvre!!!

Mr. Holland: would it help if i got Banksy to come in to lecture you wayward high schoolers with a talk on life?...

Golden Gate Bridge: CEASEFIRE NOW!!! end the Rafah campaign, resettle Gaza and the rest of the Palestinian State!!!

Rafa Nadal: i'm protesting with you guys.

Golden Gate Bridge: it's Golden Gate Bridge, not Godless Gate Bridge...

Ernest Hemingway wearing an Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap: me, too, i am with you Gate crashers all the fucking way!!!

Berkeley Gate: yeah yeah!!! you do that, too!!! forget school, forget college, go up there and protest at that OTHER gate up north. just a hop skip and a BART away.

Trinity the cat: Xfinity for Trinity? nah. oh wait, streaming sucks...

me: it hurts me physically when i'm away from you. my body aches all over.

Jen R: take a Doan's. Doan's is a pill, right?

Harlan Ellison: i can't write anymore, i gotta rest my butt.........god damn why is my typewriter chair the same material as the fucking Sword in the Stone Excalibur stone!!!

me: i've memorized every curve of your body.

Jen R: is that useful information? did you use a compass? remember compasses from '80s math class at St. Cyril's?

me: they freaked me out.

Jen R: i loved them, that was my first drug needle, that compass needle.

me: scarily too sharp for me, i wouldn't touch it for fear of getting pricked and cooties.

Jen P: but you're already a prick!!!

Jen R: that whole sharp compass thing must have been traumatic for you.

me: don't SAY that it was traumatic, now it'll be a traumatic flashback for me the rest of my life!!!

Rambo: at least for years to come.

Jen P: yeah this is good, good stuff, good stuff for the play.

Ludvig Aberg: i'm Federer when he beat Sampras at Wimbledon, look out for me in the future...

Ingmar Bergman: Aberg's my new muse named Dark Horse...

Bryson DeChambeau: i'm no longer Conan the Barbarian. but i still rise to carry the plucked Masters signpost to help people find their way.

me: that signpost was SCARY with the arrows, sharp needles going in every direction!!!

Ludvig Aberg: i'm the Beethoven of Backspin.

Bryson: oh yeah? well i'm the Bjork of golf, i'm the last innovator. ALL clubs should CURVE like the wet dream of a Medieval blacksmith from Storybook International. i wore a Doc Oc suit on the greens, the PGA says it's technically legal.

Aberg: Amadeus?

Shaggy in the Berkeley dorms with his plump soon-to-be wife: yeah man, the film to bag a wife. 

Shaggy's wife: shhh, don't tell Velma that you prefer me to her. i don't wear glasses...

Shaggy: i prefer reefer to the both of you and Aberg...

Lanudo: grifa.

Johnson Wagner: i'm Jack Tripper if he had escaped fighting in the Navy by golfing, not chefing. it's not the gay-pornstar mustache, it's the UNIVERSAL mustache. i wanted to honor Robert Wagner with this stache of mine SO BAD, i grew it because i REALLY miss the '80s...

Neal Shipley: i'm Jack Tripper when he was a fat teenager who grows his hair out long to have ONE THING that's cool about him. i WISH i coulda been an '80s soap star...

Jen R: Maywood, California just seems like a cool place to live, you know?...

Pati Jinich: McDonald's is just more satisfying than Taco Bell for some reason...

Jimmy Chamberlin: why didn't I sing on "Farewell and Goodnight"? i have a good singing voice...

Nick Faldo: i'm Roger Federer as a middle-aged dad...

lad living: watching Premier League soccer Saturday morning with diet Earl Grey tea and a large McDonald's fries but it's not in the red fry case, it's in that white fry sleeve that says LARGE but it's really a small.

Wayne Rooney: i go to SportClips.........you would never find David Beckham at a SportClips...

dad: Duck Soup was always there in my den in Van Nuys in the '80s, why didn't you ever slide that VHS cassette off the shelf and pop it in the family VCR?

me: i'm making up for lost time before it's too late...

Laurie Bird: Jesus Built My Hotrod, that was gonna be the Two-Lane Blacktop sequel if any of us in the cast had bothered to live...

James Taylor: Psalm 69? come on...

Debralee Scott: i coulda played Laurie Bird in the Lifetime Movie if i had bothered to live...

Laurie Bird: oh my god that is PERFECT CASTING!!!

Neal Shipley: i'm not another fat boy, think of me as the kid from Licorice Pizza who had outsize confidence and got HAIM to he his woman. i had the stones to walk up to Tiger Woods and shake his hand. do you ship us?

Gretchen Whitmer: who's the hottest governor of all time?...

Gavin Newsom: me.

Boc: hot walker, not just for horses...

Uncle Sigh: ...

Julie Patzwald: Copped Hall, where i copped a feel for the first time.

Celine from the Before Trilogy: same.

Smurfette: same.

Calista Flockhart: i DELIBERATELY knocked a DiGiorno pizza onto the lap of Harrison Ford at an Oscar party.

Harrison Ford: that's what did it, cute pixie manic magic girl with pizza.

Harrison: Calista?

Calista: yeah.

Harrison: i mean have you ever heard of a girl named Calista who wasn't currently living on Mount Olympus?

Miley Cyrus: sorry about climbing the Hollywood Roosevelt sign naked, i'll have it fumigated. 

Mayfair Hotel: wait for King Kong in 1933...

Kyle Mooney: Papyrus is the font of the words etched on the human heart.

Ryan Gosling: now i see how you bagged that tall ginger babe. 

Pati Jinich: will Taco Bell ever be BOLD again?...

Gordon Ramsay: who's my squatter? oh it's Jerry from Tom & Jerry, he's so CUTE!!!

Severus Snape: shoot the glass. with a wand. cheers, hold up your shot glass. i died and haunted J.K. Rowling for the rest of her life...

Shropshire: Vaporwave Shropshire...

ESPN: will Caitlin Clark be an immediate star in the WNBA?

Caitlin Clark in a red dress: i'm already a TV star...

Duncan Sheik: i'm the official soundtrack to the TV show Friends. i've never used a condom in my life...

Ranger Rick: raccoon ankles? but Burger King Tenders used to be so good!!!

Takahashi: that breaded.

Madame Pons: that pepper.

Ranger Rick: hey remember the French Chicken Sandwich in the '80s? just get chicken fries, NOT the nuggets, both are raccoon trash now...

Melissa Maker with snake: i'm the new Indiana Jones!!!

Caitlin Clark: you look like me. and i'm going to the Indiana Fever...

Harrison Ford: jungle fever cannot be cured with a pill.

Tor from Seinfeld: here take this Tor tea. drink it, like Alice. it will make your ass crab-bark. it will give you confidence, like a Hero. you HAVE to go crazy on her Instagram!!! commenting on EVERY SINGLE ONE of her posts, DMing her 20 things a day, it's the only way to let her know you're INTERESTED!!!

George Costanza with the wood triangle tent from Lars von Trier's Melancholia over his head: single being the operative word...

Duncan Sheik: my song "Barely Breathing" sounds like Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry"...

the four of us on stage.

Shakespeare: what will you do? in front of the class.

me: okay i got it, the play is about me having to choose between Jen P and Jen R for my future.

Jen P: and OUR FAMILY's future!!!

me: will i be a deadbeat dad? not if this play is successful. in the climactic scene...

Jen R: where we all climax?

me: where i climax making the decision. in my head. mind climax. the two of you, the Two Jens, turn around and expose your bare butts to the audience.

Jen P: i really was too lenient with you when we dated.

Jen R: COOL!!! i always wanted to be in Hair but i left it to the Kotter Players!!!

Shakespeare: this is reminiscent of a play my best friend Gustav Klimt tried to write...

me: and then the Two Jens go, "well, if you're the lover fated to me, you'd know the EXACT DIMENSIONS of all my curves."

Jen  P: oh yeah, and then i chime in, "i've been working on my glutes harder than normal rappelling off park walls in preparation for my spirit hike, i hope you take that into consideration when assessing my new measurements."

Jen R: and then i go, "remember i'm a heavy drug user so whatever my curves are they've since gone haywire."

me: and i take two sauce brushes from America's Test Kitchen and brush Jen P's two butt cheeks with butter.

Jen P: because my butt is like two giant Cheddar Bay biscuits from Red Lobster. NO!!! don't stick the point of that swinging compass in my butt!!! i'm terrified of needles you know this!!!

Jen R: Jen P, a little advice Jen to Jen, as a stage actress you gotta get used to a pantograph mirror. 

Jen P: the answer, my friend, is waiting in the wings...

me: okay okay the ruler!!! i'll use the ruler!!! and then i brush Jen R's two butt cheeks with gochujang sauce.

Jen R: gochujang AND my butt are having their moment...

me: and i exclaim the last line of the play whilst jumping up and down on the center of the stage as i yell

JUST ONE TASTE!!!

Shakespeare stroking his goatee: i see. i shall bestow you my letter grade on your work imminently post haste...

DUCK SOUP: THIS MEANS PEACE

 

we're still at The Masters.

Jen R: well while we're here we might as well visit Santa Claus.

me: um, that's the Masters Gnome.

Jen R: all gnomes have such bad connotations. 

me: ever since Gravity Falls was cancelled.

Jen: let's check out the forest behind Amen Corner, you can hike here, right?

Celine and Jesse: for the record, we had NOTHING to do with Sasquatch Sunset...

Harry and the Hendersons: Sasquatch Sunset is NOT the movie version of our TV show...

Fuerza: what's behind Amen Corner? nothing...

Tai: FINALLY the next season of Bridgerton will focus on the REST of us girls!!! we need love, too!!!

Nicola Coughlan: right?

Tai: i wish i had your tits. i'll never have tits like that, i'm too skinny.

Nicola: betwixt my tits is a honey drop. tour-operator to Ireland now while rates are low!!!

Tai: group trip? solo traveling but not alone.

Luke Russert: if you change your mind i'm always here...

Tai: a package tour. package holiday. so i can watch my Britcoms alone in peace.

Luke Russert: i have a package...

Lorne Michaels: not a  box...

J.R.R. Tolkien: not all who mzungu are lost.........it means wanderer, has nothing to do with being a white man...

Rosemary Gladstar: yes i auditioned for Dune...

Pati Jinich: squeezing an avocado out of its skin is messy, it's not just how I do it...

Paige Spiranac: i hold the putter between my tits, more stability than what Adam Scott does...

Rory McIlroy: Masters morning and all the cows have come home...

Tai: Masters morning meditations. golf is the ultimate zen sport. it teaches about life. if you're not present, living in the present moment, golf will psychologically cripple you for life. if you make a birdie on the first hole, that doesn't mean you're gonna win the Masters...

salmon in that Masters creek under the footbridge: you combat chronic absenteeism by giving out prizes? what prize do you hand out for going to school?

Salinas High School: an $80,000 mattress.

Jen R: now THAT's a prom gift. Masters mattress.

Tai: prom present. 

Zack de la Rocha: THIS is the legacy of the Battle of L.A.?...

Boc: don't pick up that dirty bag of barbecue chips. potato AND grill. bow down and pray to that pinecone.

O.J. Simpson playing golf: i did it. what took so long? am i off the SNL Ban List now, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: no. but you know what? let's bring back Louise Lasser, Adrien Brody, and Sinead O'Connor...

O.J.: cable TV was GOOD in those days, man...

dad: i quit my job because of O.J. it was too dangerous to drive on the freeways anymore...

Tai in the golf tent: i'm thinking of getting into gemology.

Mardith: i viddy you, girl!!! go for it, mama. i'm only into a toe gem for my toejam.

Gladyce at the craft table with all the pimento cheese gone: the era of the fried egg has ceased, dear.

Doryce: say what, dear?!!! say it ain't so, dear!!! 

Gladyce: i've ruined my last pan. scraping scabs.

Laurie Bird: the non-stick coating of your egg pan looks like Two-Lane Blacktop. and smells of sulfur.

Gladyce: Bird is my spirit animal now. scrambled eggs from now on.

Doryce: that means butter. we'll both be fat. the era of the fat witch has commenced!!!

me: i can't go a day without you.

Jen R: i'm the human One-A-Day vitamin.

Akshay Bhatia: hi, man with the improbable girlfriend, um, are vitamins allowed? i'm a beanstalk. those beanstalks of ancient folklore. magic.

Rory McIlroy: Jen R makes us all better.

Jen R: i'm better than an aiming stick.

Rory: call me McIlboy.

poached egg: a fried egg without all the mess...

Jen R: we're both at the stage in our lives where our DAILY INSATIABLE CRAVINGS are for food, not sex.

me: all day i dream about cereal.

tennis services: the room, not the serve...

spam call: can you hear me now?

Lucio Rossi: no.........this is my nona's voice...

spam call: we're not trying to record your voice...

Lucio: we?...

Super Mario: what the FUCK is in your recycling bin? it weighs 120 POUNDS!!! 

Luigi: your guilt at how you treated your brother. and some gold coins.

Super Mario: my Transformers trash truck tipped over!!! i had to snort 15 Super Mushrooms. my delts went limp.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: push from the bottom...

King Koopa: the princess isn't in there, right? i'm forgetful in my old age.

Princess Peach: i've NEVER been fat. except in junior high school when i ate a lot of peaches.

LIV: Roman numeral for 54, 54 holes, you only got that now, huh...

David Foster Wallace: as you stroll these hallowed golf grounds, a sense of nightmare nostalgia grips the skin under your toenails. i'm doing my best Wright Thompson. yeah Augusta told me i could come back here whenever after my death to trod the rolling greens and give my takes on modern advertising. it's the wrong sport for me but oh well, i'm sure the creek freezes in winter to form a rope. this is preparing me for when i'll have to go down to Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, i was the model for the Michelangelo David there...

Pati Jinich: the morning after.........a hangover, not sex. use hot sauce.

Ear Horn: for a cough?...

Pati: Mexican fly...

Jordan Spieth: one quadruple-bogey and my entire Masters is over? ONE HOLE?!!! ONE FUCKING HOLE?!!! next time i won't be vacationing at Augusta in February, i'll be on a distant planet with Laraine Newman...

Ben Stiller: let's get out of here...

Jordan Spieth: i can't go on an adventure with you, you little blue-steel freak. the rest of us have to stay and eat slimy salami.

Ben Stiller: it's better than slimy ham with mustard, you uppity nonce. some of us are between heaven and hell.

Boc: a roll of gray duct tape smack in the middle of a parking lane ruining that spot forever. the Safeway parking lot is a minefield, doesn't anybody else notice this?!!!! a yellow Post-It Note stuck to the side of the corner sidewalk gutter is either a last grocery list or a final love confession...

Chuck E. Cheese: yeah i'm in your attic. making tiny ball poops. where do you think all that pizza goes?

Pasqually: that's not my accordion, that's my fumigator's nozzle. i always wanted to just be the drummer, you know? not make a difference in people's lives.

at the Masters ponds.

Greykid: feed me bread like a duck.

Abbot Butt: but you're a cat.

Greykid: birds are friends. birds are lovers.

with Larry David on the golf course.

Julie Patzwald: Richard Lewis taught me how to be goth...

Doryce: spit-solid, a good blowjob whilst playing Metal Gear.

Takahashi: i like you...

Curtis Strange inside Butler Cabin shielded from the light rain: no, John McCain has not risen from the dead...

John McCain: Easter was last week. and yes i have. and i'm taking back my Republican Party!!!

mom behind the line in the golf gallery: see? i DO have something in common with that smart brute Gene Simmons, we both walk with a walker. oh but that man has that most DREADFUL tongue.

Dove in the beauty tent: we're for REAL BEAUTY, not AI BEAUTY.

AI: okay but these real beauties of yours aren't exactly haggard...

Madame Pons: i do like what you've done with the place. with the tent. a neon waterfall inside the tent, impressive. but LUSH still has The Midnight as our house band. Dove ivory is so SMOOTH but i know where it comes from, i read Babar to my kid every night, remember, Mardith?

Mardith: i got a Babar tat on my ass. Babar not bars of Dove soap.

Eye Luggage: Duck Soup and go.

Laertus: so where does the duck soup come in? i thought this was going be another Dinner at Eight.

Eye: it means something easily done. 

Taylor Swift: water off a duck's back?...

Greykid: i did enjoy the opening-credits scene...

Eye: you're looking quite ducky today, Laertus.

Laertus: and you dapper, my dear.

Groucho Marx: ironically, this film is a rebuke of Marxism. combat THAT Marxism with OUR Marxism.

Chevy Chase: Francisco Franco is still dead.

Groucho: we were just four Jews looking for a laugh.

Gabe Kaplan: was that your real mustache?

Groucho: in the early days before we had a hit movie it was shoe polish...

Harpo Marx: you want to hear my voice? here. hear. see? i sound like Curly. just remind me never to seek treatment at a city hospital again...

Chico Marx: you want to see what i look like without my Tyrolean hat? here's some gum, kid, go play in traffic.

Roger Federer: why don't I have a Tyrolean hat? and a tracht, i wear pajamas on the court now. i brush all the Taco Bells i eat in clean with the brush on top of my Tyrolean hat. i collect bicycle pins!!! my best friend is Lance Armstrong now.

Chico: here, take your gander, my receding-hairline bald head in all its glory!!!

Jean-Luc Picard: that's Italian hair, not French hair.

Zeppo Marx: this was the last movie it was in. or last talkie, whatever. forget about me. i'm just your silver cigar lighter now...

Groucho: all my cigars. strangely none were ever from Cuba...

Margaret Dumont: the only Female Marx Brother. Marx Sister.

Groucho: without Margaret all of our films would have flopped, she was the glue guy, you know? only i could call her Marge.

Lorne Michaels: it's not Dick Soup.

Raquel Torres: i have a very modern look, i could be playing Salma Hayek's daughter in 2024...

Freedonia: this movie gave the world Freedonia. Freedonia is now the catch-all country for ANY far-off place...

Jen R: except that hamlet in New York called Fredonia, i lived in Fredonia, in a little hamlet. i did Hamlet there. as in i did the play and i fucked Hamlet.

Shakespeare: i'm coming back soon...

Bjork: no, Iceland did freedom the right way first. 

Groucho: nobody wanted to see this during the Depression, i don't know why, ANY distraction is better than the Great Depression, right?

Rufus T. Firefly: rejected Dune character.

Groucho: i'm the talky one, the one who uses many words, my jokes are wordplay jokes. see, we're The Three Stooges without the slapstick...

Groucho: we were trying to bring the country together during a very tough time with the song there. the WHOLE country. ALL colors of people. copyright? Walt Disney can kiss my streetwise ass.

lemonade-stand scene.

Charlie Brown: this is what happens when you don't put up the sign.

Snoopy: yeah see, this was back when lemonade actually WAS 5 cents!!!

mirror scene.

Lucille Ball: that's old hat. not you, Chico. Harpo did that with me on my show. oh yeah Harpo, here's your leg back, shaking legs, that means something else in my bed. 

Harpo: you were a saucy red in bed.

Lucille Ball: it's still weird when you talk. but your balloon face was always so angelic. i placed my leg in William Frawley's armpit and he SLAPPED IT THE FUCK DOWN so hard he broke my heel. 

Groucho: i'm sweet on you, Margaret Dumont.

Margaret Dumont sipping green tea: wanna get married?

Groucho: only if you promise you won't gaslight me when i get older by repeating that i was Ebenezer Scrooge in that episode of Welcome Back, Kotter...

Gabe Kotter: oh yeah, the Christmas episode!!!

Margaret: do we have kids?

Groucho: yes, i work with kids later. to make America forget about Bill Cosby and a white Bronco.

Groucho: we originated the whole motorcycle sidecar gag where the sidecar leaves the motorcycle behind.

Britcoms filmed out in the countryside: thank you, Groucho Marx!!!

Groucho: we had to make fun of war, my father had already died as part of the Lost Generation!!!

Jack Tripper: only a fool signs up to die in a war. i got out of the Navy by being a cook.

Groucho: in our savaging of the Hays Code, we relied on those old Pirates of the Caribbean wench tropes.

Jean Harlow: i see you working, little funny man.

Harpo: that's how Mr. Ed was born.

Peyton Manning: and me.

Walt Disney: did you see what i did there in the Pirates of the Caribbean dark ride? with the whore and the dog?

the exchange of hats: it's going on as we speak in an infinite loop forever...

Moe from The Three Stooges: you see that thing there? where the film-reel cuts away when the actor does a pratfall?

Curly: the film-reel stutters like i stutter.

Moe: that's right, wise guy, you are very smart. they stole that film technique from us.

Larry Fine: was there a GRAND Three Stooges vs. Marx Brothers war in Hollywood? yes. it was Marvel in nature.

Curly: we only worked with them ONCE in order to exchange dames...

at the KTLA Channel 5 Studios in Los Angeles.

Rex Reed: what is the legacy of this film?

Groucho: Animaniacs. g'night folks.

Groucho: hey is that other film critic here? the one with the Groucho mustache and fro?

Rex Reed: he started eating pickles because of you and lost a lot of weight.

Groucho: this movie influenced Boy Scout fashion. are the Boy Scouts still a thing in 2024?

me and Jen by the fire.

me: happy weekend, my babies. okay my love, what should i have TOMORROW? Taco Bell or McDonald's?

Jen R: have you ever had 6 tacos from Taco Bell all to yourself with Taco Bell hot sauce? eaten in one sitting.

me: yes but never delivered.

Jen: fast food is SO worth the price...

Jen: hey i snuck a bottle of Smirnoff Spicy Tamarind for the two of us onto the golf course, Arnie Palmer won't mind that it's not lemonade nor iced tea, right?   

Arnold Palmer: i'm here with O.J. now. this sucks. why are we forever intertwined like this?...

Jen: i put the two shot glasses in my bra...

 

SLEEP TOURISM

 

Jen R: sleep tourism. it's the thing now.

me: that sounds DIVINE, imagine travelling by train all through Europe laying down on all the waterbeds naturally watered by a mountain spring in inns hidden in green leaves.

Jen: we've become so harried as a human species we have to actually now SEEK OUT places to rest. 

me: the bed matters, if you have a bad bed you have a bad back.

Jen: when i'm working on the computer, you have to make sure you JUMP into a GIANT beanbag chair like you're back in kindergarten but you're in the workforce. the beanbag must swallow you like a Japanese Titan for maximum comfort.

me: hey what happens when you sleep on a bed at a mattress store?

Jen: i've done this. make sure you sleep 12 hours so you don't get locked in there at night. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman: i'll field that one. if you promise not to have sex on this mattress, i'll give it to you guys you nice couple for free. mattresses are for sleep tourism only. i'm not harried running this La-Z-Boy in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s on Wilshire. look, guys, i made Adam Sandler look GOOD, think about that. if i hadn't died in a ghastly way my son would've never hooked up with a musician.

we're at The Masters.

Jen: i'm hungry. STARVING. i only talk about food. i'm constantly hungry, that's all i am.

me: there are some interesting eats BY the pimento cheese.

Lunchables: we'll toss a Snickers bar in there next time!!! okay?!!!

GasBuddy: we're a chili dog company.

Jen: is the pimento cheese frozen or fresh? i'll eat anything once. you look quite dapper in your tailcoat.

me: the only way to play golf. keeping my pants baggy and my hat newspapery. 

Jen: is that a shooting stick i see by your horse-pants next to your saber?

me: you have me all wrong, i despise weapons of any kind. i do it all for the American Gladiator. my only lance is my golf club.

Jen: let me get that 34DD wood.

me as bagman: you see how my golf club folds out into a chair to sit on the Augusta azaleas? 

Jen: looking at the wall of words you send me every day, those wall-of-text DMs, it's like friend homework for me to do each day. i'm back to school!!! back at school.

me: no please, anything but that.

Jen: no home fries with the homies? fries with friends? friendwork? a homework party?

me: at least the party aspect of homework intimates intimacy.

Jen: this Par 3 Course is so CUTE!!!

me: look DEEP at the green. INTO the green, till your eyes become green, till we have a 3-person family of our own, the little 1-year-old rugrat tyke running around the fairway in a white suit carrying your Fisher-Price plastic golf clubs.

Caroline Wozniacki at the South African pub making the ahegao face: Rory, babes, are you FINALLY gonna win The Masters THIS TIME?!!!

Rory McIlroy: i haven't won anything of significance for DECADES!!!

Caroline: anything of note, noted, like my wedding notes when you were drafting our invitations. if you win the Masters you get me back.

Rory: if i don't win The Masters 2024 THIS YEAR, i'm in trouble...

Larry David: now that i'm retired, and i have the long shaggy hair of my idol Woody Allen, i can go golf forever. i'm a turf pro you know. 

Groundskeeper Willie: feed your lawn. feed it.

Larry David: aiming sticks, GCQuad, schwirl. schwirl my dickhole with the tiny little golf ball, Susie Essman lady!!! hey Susie, lay down on my chocolate abs.

Susie Essman: you are a.........horrid ogre.

Tom Cruise with a golf simulator: ...

Larry David: no more episodes, no more writing, i just want to relax at Action Park in New Jersey. IT CLOSED?!!! I WAITED TOO LONG!!! I WORKED TOO LONG!!!

Akshay Bhatia: why does a skinny Indian nerd like me have his tongue out? because i met my model girlfriend by sliding into her DMs. no really, that actually WORKED!!! also i do have an Elvis fetish...

Presleigh Schultz: i mean check out Akshay's chocolate abs!!!

Michael Weiss: the DM thing never worked with Julia Ioffe, hers were always closed...

David Foster Wallace hanging out in the caddyshack: i don't write books for blowjobs. i write books for pallets of Mucinex pellets.

Tai in the meditation tent, no medicine just spirit: that was NOT the way Taiwan wanted to have their own Leaning Tower of Pisa.

spirit tent: this is like a 7-Eleven. 

Rosemary Gladstar in the flowerbed: i am somehow Gregor Mendel's daughter...

Ear Horn: i use your herbs all the time, dearie. to make my non-religious mystic mists.

Rosemary Gladstar: my name sounds like a bad '80s cartoon about Norse pirates in outer space.

Ear Horn: to cure a cough.........DON'T USE HOT SAUCE!!! those little plastic circular containers are a BITCH to clean up!!!

Dr. Vacc: right? do you throw them in the trash full or empty them out in the garbage disposal or trash as you clean them or not with water? my favorite is the orange sauce because the orange pepper could be hot OR not.

Ear: they called me Mild Melinda in college.

King Kong: go only with the banana peppers. ONLY watch the 1933 film...

Forbes Riley: Barbara Rush? i was voted Miss Gilf for the past 20 years!!! in Florida. all the middle counties. pageant winners get butter candy. soft for dentures.

the Dulcolax gilf: you can tell i'm from Maine...

Dulcolax gilf: what's that smell? your forearms stink to high heaven!!!

Forbes Riley: Blue-Emu. i'm Lisa Rinna's mother, not sister.

Greykid on top of the Historic El Rey Theatre totem-pole Sign: the Salinas one, not the Los Angeles one. if you don't leave the house with your clothes covered in cat hair, you don't love your cat.

Humphrey Bogart: i never kept a hair-roller in my back pocket. i kept my derby hat in my back pocket.

Pati Jinich: how did my three boys grow up tall, light, soccer-strong, and handsome like Cary Grant speaking English with NO ACCENT? i drew them Tijuana bibles when they were teenagers instead of premarital sex. 

King Kong: banana peppers. banana peppers do something to me. they change me. i become a better man.

Mardith: you suddenly changed your Instagram profile to clairvoyant psychic this week?!!!...

Michael Weiss: took a speed-course at Princeton.

spider in the mailbox: i play dead to fool my predators. like sticky stamps. i come back alive when Spring hits. the Resurrection, right? i am a Spring spider. i spring back to life...

Roger Federer walking in front of Tiger Woods:  if Switzerland had protected my rights, my climate-change rights, i wouldn't have had to play Nadal on those HOT-AS-FUCK clay courts at Roland Garros. i would've BEATEN Rafa at the French Open at least once!!! 

Novak Djokovic: whaddya want?!!! a Nadal Medal?!!!

Rafael Nadal: i no longer feel my tennis...

Nasi Novare Coram: Latin for neti pot.

Novak Djokovic: ...

Pinocchio: fuck Barbie. i'm not sexist, but i did all that doll-comes-to-life stuff first...

Abbot Butt: being a Medieval abbot was a cushy job but you did have to do business with the occasional asshole emperor.

peaches on your pizza?: take a bromide.

Cory Booker: want Obama for 8 more years? elect me. elect ME President. soon. before it's too late...

Pati Jinich: i ain't NOBODY'S birria bitch!!! no, senor!!! that goes for YOU, Harbaugh Dad!!! i'm not Mexican, i'm Maxican. si she can. Mexican cuisine is more than peanut-butter mole. think of the avocado stone as a BIG-ASS olive pit...

Virgin Mary: don't worry if you have to throw away an envelope with my face looking at you, my ancient eye burning a hole in your soul, you put it in the recycling bin, i see you...

Jesus: mama's got fire eyes...

Fuerza: but my eyes burrow...

Kelly Corrigan: wellness. how do you find it, how do you keep it.

David Foster Wallace: you know, i'm finding this daft Irish lass Kelly Corrigan is becoming MY wellness.

Mount Etna blowing smoke rings: where's my cigarette? so much anxiety in the world and my therapist Dr. Robbins said i can't blow my top anymore like a volcano, i have to be a "mature lady" when it comes to stress management.

Ms. Sun: i'm looking hot this morning. feeling hot. sizzling Egg McMuffin weather. whistling weather.

Judge Harold T. Stone eating pimento cheese using his gavel as the spoon: my ruling is to be weird. always. be as weird as you possibly can be. the magic is in disappearing when you're here...

Chaque Tripper: i've made us some Cuban sandwiches with Cuban cigars. and some San Diegan home fries. 

McDonald's: it's not really fries, it's more like potatoes O'Brien.

Diego Rivera: no wonder i got so fat.

Frida Kahlo: i got so far...

scutoid: when a rhombus and a parallelogram have a joint rectum and scrotum.

Stanley Kubrick: i first discovered the scutoid shape when i was a baby...

 

Progressive.

Jamie: sticking it to the boss. i'm the boss of this group because i'm the funny one.

Mara: no i'm the boss cuz i'm the cynical one.

black guy: i'm not gonna say black one.

Flo: hierarchy is such an '80s concept, man. we're all friends here. i just happen to be here the longest, i was the first character Walt Disney drew.

Ziploc: keeping your marijuana fresh since 1801.

Olive Garden: that wasn't a succulent meatball, that was a meatball-shaped bubble popping in the Dutch oven...

GEICO Caveman: if we had had astrology, we cavemen would have invented fire sooner. alchemy is what made a Medieval Times in San Diego.

Coach K: Bracketology is offered as a class at Duke? THAT's my legacy?

Jon Hamm: advertising will get you laid by big ginger tits. and make you friends with Zach Galifianakis.

Mardith: Reiki's real, kay?

Tai: aromatherapy's my livelihood.

Madame Pons: ANYTHING can be carved into a soap.

Anderson Cooper: i was on that March Madness team that made it to the Final Four that year. George Mason, remember?

Kyle Mooney: are you jealous that my wife's hotter than your wife?

Beck Bennett: no you see i haven't returned your calls cuz i grew wings.

Kyle: i'm happy your Hollywood career is ascending. looking up...

Beck: a witch spell turned me into a buffalo...

Ear Horn: that voice in that robust buffalo body is SO handsome.

Starbucks.

countergirl: Celery Schwirl? i wonder what Brent Popolizio is doing now...

man: Celery Swirl?

man gets bumped by Rameses.

Rameses: now THAT's a schwirl. imagine attending North Carolina University in 1933...

Jenna Haze: you don't know me like that.

at the Magic Mart.

Charles Barkley: Fragrant Fowl, Ball Hog, Food Court, all three clever. 

Magic Johnson: this is EXACTLY what my movie theaters are.

Jackie Chiles: in the '90s, it was Seinfeld and the O.J. Trial...

Jen: i am SPENT. the Eclipse really DRAINED me.

me: what happened with your father? did he finally confess in an Open Confession out there on that open eclipse field in Baltimore explaining why he'd been so shabby towards you since you've been alive? you don't deserve that. you don't deserve ANY of that.

Jen: he told me where i came from. and i finally understood him, he explained sex in terms of the sun and the moon during an eclipse. he's the sun and mom was the moon, it makes sense now, life is pretty rare.

Jen: this is nice, right? waterbed. the two of us floating lazily in the water through a fjord. this is sleep tourism, we can't afford a cruise.

me: this Queen-size mattress of ours is like that Heathcliff mattress boat...

Jen: at least i didn't get it in Twin...

Baloo: i get sleep apnea when i pilot.

Kate Winslet: more than enough room for me, Jack, and a bowl of painted fruit.

me: it just reminds me each day that life is a miracle. when i wake up in the morning and i have a PURPOSE, an actual REASON to get out of bed!!! you, Jen, you. otherwise what am i doing each day? eating breakfast?