TLAYUDAS

we're at the Destinos ranch.

Jen R: i'm here for the ranch eggs. 

Liliana Abud: why don't you try the tlayudas?

me: what are those?

Liliana Abud: see? you don't know because you never made it that far in the Destinos telecourse!!! you stopped watching at Episode 10, Episode 11 was the Oaxaca Episode!!!

me: i wanted to, believe me i wanted to watch more TV, it's not my fault, we didn't have a substitute teacher that day.

Pati Jinich bows down to Liliana Abud on a red muleta.

Pati Jinich: i'm doing that thing everyone did to Gloria Swanson on the theater balcony after the premiere of Sunset Boulevard. you are my hero, Lil!!! you were the first one to make it big in the States from Mexico.

Liliana: then why don't you wear any of my business suits, chica?!!! you can't wear cowgirl jeans forever!!!

Jen: Pepcid AC, AC stands for After Lunch in Latin? great, NOW you tell me. 

Pepsi, Where's My Jet?: ...

Jen: no salad for me thanks, my budgie Bogey is sick, raw apples you see. no milk. unless it's chocolate milk. chickpeas in soup, that's GENIUS!!! you're combining soup with salad!!! gargantuan garbanzos, por favor!!! let me check my watch, yep it's sundown and Passover and i'm your Seder seductress!!! i'm making you chraime.

me: chrome is what i need my pan in.

Jen: McDonald's Filet-o-Fish in an Italian red sauce. my tlayudas of course have to have the bitter herbs so i'm adding banana peppers. 

Rod Serling: and a dash of goldenrod from me, the Rod Man.

Larry David: i'm just here waiting to be cast in the next Woody Allen movie...

Jenny Baranick: what is non-stick? what does that actually mean? because all of my pots and pans have been non-stick and scraped to death. just make cookware out of oil.

Mel Kiper: so i'll have a special order. take the crust off breakfast pumpkin pie and put it on a pizza with NO CHEESE.

Lindy Lenz: Mel and i are getting a quickie divorce...

Carmen Dongo: don't. just don't. don't go after the name. i have a very healthy emotional spectrum, when i'm at America's Test Kitchen Christopher Kimball sees to that. i do NOT call him Chris. i'm a professional, not a professional cryer. onions don't make me cry, my mama does. my mama sold spice on the street. fuck Modelo, okay? fuck Modelo.

Jen: no more potatoes from Idaho. i'm switching to cilantro lime rice. i'll get my potatoes from Bakersfield, California, a Bakersfield baked potato that i won't be able to eat because i'll be wearing a gas mask.

me: so that's why i couldn't smell baked potatoes my whole life.

Takahashi: do NOT enter Alien Fresh Bakery from the front...

E.T.: they sell E.T. Fresh Jerky, it tastes like what happens when you don't catch your ship...

Mulder: tastes like E.T.

Scully: imagine the two of us at Starfleet...

John Candy: HAPKA!!! how are we fine folks this afternoon?

Jen: look at my sleeves.

John Candy: why do you have holes in the shape of diamonds cut into your sleeves?

Jen: to make them breathable. i'm the Queen of Diamonds, i liked Alice.

John Candy: so YOU i'm here to help?

me: please don't point at me, i'll be honest, unlike the rest of Canada i'm terrified of you. you make me scared.

John Candy: aw don't worry about it, it's just a little tlayuda, you know?

John  gets out his GIANT SHOVEL and forms a GIANT TORTILLA from a tiny ball of maize caged in his fingers. 

me: see?    

John: did you know the flour tortilla was invented in Bakersfield, California?

John is about to FLIP his monster tortilla over as he regales us with a showbiz tale.

John Candy: yeah Eddie Murphy was the biggest star in the world at that time, i did NOT appreciate him egging me on under his breath, calling me fat, the fat jokes got old fast, you know? and that was the ONLY time i EVER did SNL, too, it should have been a fete, a celebration of Canada comedy coming together with New York comedy...

Melissa Maker: matzah, maize, momentous memories. 

Trinity: that cat birthday cake was a giant ball of yarn, everyone missed that... 

*plop*

John Candy: THERE, now THAT is a tlayuda taco!!! oh and i built you a combination Taco Bell/KFC in your backyard in keeping with the tlayuda theme...

at the Berkeley encampments on the lawn.

Jen R: i came here driving a burning car. i mean protesting nowadays is a full-contact sport. why is Robocop scanning my forehead to check my ID, of COURSE i'm not a student here!!! do you see the smile on my face? i'm having FUN at school!!! because it's not art school!!!

coffee: why do you like me so much? i'm bitter...

Dutch oven: my red color.........POPS.

Shakespeare: i stopped writing. i gave myself a life vacation...

Uncle Sigh: sorry but i gotta get outta London NOW. i can't bear the Meghan Markle treatment anymore.

Queen Elizabeth: i never liked honey...

Spain: be gone, Begona!!! but leave your begonias, they were planted in Martha Stewart dirt...

by the bigscreen.

Laertus: did you see that Jamal Murray buzzer-beater?!!!

Anthony Davis: yeah, now i know what it's like to be at a Phish concert...

Takahashi: that shot swung the series!!!

The Pope: can you get that show Swing on non-pay cable?...

Swing: yes that dude's a hippie douche, but you WISH you were him...

LeBron James: Antman? what are we doing, man? what are we doing at the replay center? he should be named after a Seattle doctor...

Jane Goodall: that really was a successful Earth Day, thank you to everybody.........for doing all those things...

Stephanie Abrams: you're welcome...

Stephen A. Smith by the darts.

Stephen A. Smith: would i give up sex if it meant a Knicks championship? a Knicks ring? a Knicks CHIP?!!!.........but i already DO!!!

Molly Qerim: why are you looking at me?...

Spike Lee: *stroking chin* Stephen A. Smith in the Capital One Final Four commercials, interesting.........i guess we kick Charles Barkley out of our group...

Elon Musk: the Tesla Taxi, so you won't blame me anymore, you'll blame your driver as usual...

at Check Please: Bay Area Salinas/Seaside Edition.

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits are so close to you now...

foodie #3: i don't have a car. too expensive. but i splurge on unnecessarily expensive lunches for some reason...

at mall karate.

Takahashi: the Mitsubishi Starion, the only staring contest you'll ever win...

George Costanza with brick wallet: ...

Zack Morris: better than a brick phone in your backpocket...

Christian University of Michigan: ...

Danny Cevallos playing bar games: you take one took at me and you question your sexuality...

Hope Harrington at the Bump Trial: Janis Joplin LIVES!!!

Janis Joplin: Texas to Bakersfield, California...

Julie Patzwald: my spirit animal is a calendar wolf...

New Coke: we tried to bury the competition of Pepsi by TASTING like Pepsi. 

Pepsi, Where's My Jet?: ...

Pepsi: you can't get rid of us, we're like skin tags.

lawn sweeper outside: leaf blower.........without the noise pollution...

Beck: i'm listening.........i can hear again...

Boc: a walker in the middle of the road suddenly JAUNTS and becomes a jogger pretending he's a bike...

Safeway parking lot: meant to drive in, not to WALK in...

Eylea.

Cat Stevens: i am NOT Salman Rushdie, it would be BEYOND CRUEL to have him do this commercial...

Tony Hale: why watch your tiny TV screen while onboard a fucking Greyhound bus?!!! live in the present moment of BEING ON A GREYHOUND BUS!!!...

Progressive staircase.

boy in tux: um, is my prom date coming down these?

girl's dad: she ditched you, son.

boy in tux: it's just as well, this house gives me the creeps, it's the same house Tom Cruise was in in Risky Business...

Draymond Green: the NBA is about honor and integrity, following the rules to a man. there is no Playoff Mode of which you speak, we players play hard EACH AND EVERY NIGHT for our fans and for our families in the regular season. we can rest when we do the Olympics.

Bank of America dude: so my dog got a diploma but i still don't have one from Berkeley. not sayin just sayin. there are no student loans after puppy school, it's a quick and tight six-week program, it's like night college...

Crunch bar.

Pepsi: yeah we had to buy this airport to pay that kid with a jet...

TSAer with wand: Crunch bar? they were HUGE at Halloween in the '80s, they've completely disappeared now...

me: i'm starting to lose my nostalgia tingles again.

Jen R: fear not, old sailor, i gots the medicine. i know how much you yearn for that feeling of '80s UCLA Nok Hockey.

me: so much so i BOUGHT a Nok Hockey table for my very own use in my bedroom!!!

Jen: sure but have you done THIS?!!! WHEEL IN THE AIR HOCKEY!!!

me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Jen: your very own personal air-hockey table. 

me: let's wheel this to my garage or something, i don't think the cantina locals are digging it.

Jen: at least without cerveza. 

me: can i kiss you on the lips? at last? it would be pure ecstasy for me, you know.

Jen: instead of all that lovey-mushy stuff, how bout you beat me in air hockey and then we'll talk...

 

 

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: THE DREAM DIES IN STAGE DARKNESS

Jen R: they shrunk the King Size Twizzlers, i swear.

William Shakespeare: okay this is it. penultimately. 

me: why does so much of my life depend on this ONE decision?

Shakespeare: methinks thou doth protest just the right amount. tis life, kiddo.

me: i was so depressed this morning i didn't even laugh at Waldorf and Statler up there in the Lincoln balcony seats, i always get a chuckle out of those two.

Tim Burton in the booth: that's cold.

Chuck E. Cheese: rat's all, folks!!!

Shakespeare: tell you what, let me walk on it.

Boc: a brilliant idea!!! just don't walk ALL OVER the decision.

Shakespeare: i'm feeling rather peckish at the moment, famished even, last week got me all foody. you seem to know your way around this magical place, show me all the sights and sounds and smells of Downtown Berkeley, all the choice spots to eat, drink, laugh, cry, and mess with the cops. feed me down, influencer.

me: i'm not an influencer, i'm just a guy with a blog for boredom.

Boc in Zegama Nikes: trash walk, it's not what you think...

Super Mario: when i go to a pub to take a bath, i'm not expecting to take my wrench in with me. why does the pub bathtub always clog IN APRIL?

Melbourne: see that Corvette Ion Spider in the driveway? of the motel. that one is my new baby. Intratravel license plates, i can go from 0 to Canada in 60 seconds...

Boc: it wasn't a trail of trash at first...

me: so this corner used to be a Burger King, now it's a Red Lobster. as you can imagine, the rent went up. we constructed a whole new Red Lobster just for you, sensei.

Shakespeare: much obliged.

me: just don't bulldoze the Mr. Chan's next door!!!

Bell + Howell Bionic Spotlight: the entire basis for our company is that humans should NEVER come together and be as one...

Boc: you lock the door, you take your first JAUNT, you're on the cusp of beginning your walk.........and there's a small swath of cardboard in your lawn...

Michael Weiss: it's this weird thing on Instagram where you're obsessed with a girl for two days but on the third day you need to take a break, no more pictures of her.

Julia Ioffe: let's try this on Wednesday...

at that Berkeley cafe i used to take Jen P to.

Jen P: that's cold. you don't even remember the cafe's name?

me: it was so long ago.

Jen P: that's cold.

me: you know this no-soda all-water diet i'm on? i know i'm gonna be healthier, but i FEEL plain. i feel PLAIN INSIDE.

Jen R: how high with ice cubes does this cafe's icemaker need to rise before water doth flow?

Ice Cube: wanna get high?...

Berkeley bums: now the Supreme Court is invading the freedom of our sidewalk brothers up in Oregon. that's true freedom, that's what freedom really is. is no space sacred? where are the wildlands now? the wild lands untouched by a man's mind.

Chris McCandless: right? i just got back, i took the LONG way round. i wanted to get the back of my hand stamped with a rave stamp that said Alexander Supertramp but they ran out. luckily there's a Supertramp concert coming up on the first in the forest, hoping to get my wrist pierced there...

Jen R: what are you in the mood for, Chris?

Shakespeare: the nom's Bill. 

Jen R: food mood.

Shakespeare: what are those fluttering white tents? they scare me.

Jen P: organic honey made out of Allen Ginsberg's home.

Allen Ginsberg: i had the first solar panel in the world. and my bees are FIERCE flyers.

me: and that mall over there houses Saturday-morning karate taught by zebras. 

Shakespeare: zebras as animals? 

Jen R: no, like Regular Show zebra people who talk. and kick and punch and meditate. 

Jen P: ready for the natural steam baths atop our only mountain above Strawberry Creek?

Shakespeare: i knew the Japanese aesthetic would eventually land here so we could all cum underwater in hot bubbles. Sakespeare. but why do they call this spot The Steam Rooms?

Jen R: i can't hate this time, you have me beat here, you will ALWAYS look better in a bikini than i ever will.

Jen P: thanks, babe. for the next man i guess.

Jen R: try a woman.

Jen P: the Steams are getting a facelift?

Jen R: the rooms are so the steam will give everyone a facelift. on their face.

Salman Rushdie: was Allen Ginsberg my long-lost brother?...

me: what's your favorite thing about Taco Bell?

Jen P: when the melted cheese sticks to your taco wrapper preventing you from lifting the taco from the wrapper so you can eat said taco.

Jen R: you can park your bike INSIDE...

at the cafe.

waiter: delighted to make your acquaintance!!!

Jen R: isn't that a coffee creamer? yeah i like Deee-Lite, too.

Lady Miss Kier: ...

Jen R: what happened to boas, ya feel me, girl? i dance like you in the shower pretending i'm a stripper.

Lady Miss Kier: our biggest gig ever was the Carmen Sandiego game show on PBS...

Madame Pons in the wind.

Madame Pons: soda substitute? try kombucha served at LUSH even though we are not a cafe...

Kirsten Dunst on the Berkeley stage eating a plum tart: i'm one of the grandest actresses there is. and yet if i could put one TV show on an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind loop, it would be The Bachelor...

Bill Withers underground in a dingy downstairs punk club: ain't no sunshine when she's gone. i didn't see sunshine for nine months building toilets for the 747 in Washington, D.C. here's a bright idea: stillsuits aboard electric planes...

apple-cider vinegar: it itches. it's kosher. it won't get rid of skin tags. good for Halloween salads...

Boc: THIS is what i like, the weather is such that i have to TAKE OFF my sweatshirt...

hardboiled egg: so hard, so tasteless, not spongy or light or airy at all.

Doryce: like me, i'm not fluffy.

April: springy only in Spring...

Doryce: and in my bed in December.

Gladyce: i'm airy.........in the good way...

Julia Ioffe: it's just Instagram, it doesn't mean anything.

Michael Weiss: i'm finding that out the hard way...

Ninja Kamui: that climbing-up-stairs kick is so cool.

Bruce Lee: i invented that kick 100 years ago...

Muscle Man from Regular Show: MY MOM beat you once at karate, sir.

Bruce Lee: i remember you two at the mall, your harried mom kept continually berating you in public, calling you a bitch, calling you Mitch the Bitch, you were acting up like a kid on Ritalin but still. 

Muscle Man, crying: my mom has problems.

Bruce Lee: want me to move in with you guys?

me: soda substitute?

Jen P: LITERALLY drink the Kool-Aid...

Donna Evans from Storybook International on a forest stage in the woods: i'm one of the most beautiful women who ever lived. 

Elizabeth Taylor in the eaves covered in eggshells: but i had a better booking agent than you, toots...

Ear Horn looks at Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor: i mean dearie...

Strawberry Shortcake: if you put the frozen strawberries in the refrigerator, they turn into a red glacier...

Titanic: ...

Jim Belushi leaning against college lockers: i had the greatest life plan ever: carry on in Hollywood, my career was in memory of my brother John. whenever someone saw me on TV, they'd think of John Belushi.

John Belushi: life mission. look at my face, am i getting zits again?...

Boc: my walking is LIGHT exercise, like John Candy...

foamy firefighter: we need better solutions, both meanings...

RFK Jr. giving a lecture on campus: i will NEVER be as cool as Ross Perot...

Boc: The Barnyard has become my personal park.

seagulls: we're squawking like banshees, we're scared of the cicadas. the impending cicadas.

turtle: that isn't a poo, it's my cousin. he looks like a poo-shaped leaf...

Martin Scorsese singing: he ain't heavy, he's my brother.........who's heavy poo like Marvel.

Marvel: and you're light poo. we're brothers-in-arms no matter what but you're a small man...

Ana de Armas: i mean if Marvel calls...

on a stage decked out and blocked to be a courtroom.

Sam Waterston: do you like my understated acting on Law & Order? because TV-lawyer histrionics would never go on in a real Manhattan courtroom while the witness was speaking...

witness: *wink wink*

Red Panda at the Warriors game: when i twirl these bowls on top of my head in a pile, i wear the pants in my family. by not wearing pants. by wearing a sequined skirt and heels. imagine an acrobat's sex life...

Red Panda's husband White Panda: if this is Rong i don't wanna be right...

basement bar at a frat: see? some basements CAN be cool...

we're all at the Red Lobster.

Jen R: spill it, teach. 

Jen P: you mean muse

Shakespeare: alright alright alright. my belly is full and sated though i didn't consume actual food, i et but 10 Twizzlers and a half-drunk can of beer from a drunk on the dirty sidewalk. that's gotta be illegal. the streets here make me cry. 

i start to shimmy and shake and sweat.

Shakespeare: your letter grade is.........P.

Jen P: ...

me: so the whole time it was Pass/Fail?!!!

Shakespeare: no, P is the letter grade on an A-F scale. that makes me laugh.

me: what does it stand for? what does it signify? how should i be feeling at this gone moment?

Shakespeare: and i'm giving you a D.

me: DP? i don't like where this is going...

Jen R: this is turning into OLD-FASHIONED SCHOOL if you know what i mean...

Jen P: yep. it's only four years of sexual humiliation and then you're free to be a lifelong career woman... 

Shakespeare: wait which woman did you choose?!!!

i quickly dip my Cheddar Bay biscuits into a Chinese teacup full of gochujang sauce i ferried over from Mr. Chan's next door.

Shakespeare: OH COME ON!!!

 

DUNE: PICARD WITH PUG

 

Jen R: pitted olives can mean olives WITH pits and WITHOUT pits.........think about it...

me: you're the most important thing ever to happen to me.

Jen: heavy. wow. 

me: i hope you always remember that.

Jen: heavy stuff. that's more like mother/son stuff, you know?...

Jen: what's the rush?

me: our quinoa date. i'm racing over to your yellow atelier. on foot. this corner?

Jen: that's tea-stained atelier. burned at the edges and corners to give it that old-timey paper look.

devil comet: worry not, my religious brethren, it's all science and ordinary.

Codrus: that's what we WANT you to think.

Carl Sagan: the weird thing is i look like a Catholic priest...

Greykid: i'm getting a face tattoo to make myself look like a Birman.

Mike Tyson: ...

Greykid: i'm gonna go through the cat door in the front door to Karl Lagerfeld's mansion to swing by and cheer up old Karl after his beloved Choupette died. 

Mike Tyson: i'm done with boxing. next up: temple priest...

at Wild Fish restaurant in Pacific Grove.

Madame Pons: so the Love Canal Disaster was something about not getting an orgasm.

Takahashi: using chemicals on Earth the wrong way. 

Jen: New York, amirite?

Doryce: superannuations are gilfs.

Bustamante: my Paiute people will rise again!!! 

El Hormiguero: the Spanish Bill Nye, the host was on SNL in Mexico...

Shoreditch office: where the REAL The Office UK papers company is...

Talia the cat: i like Funyuns.

tea tree oil: it needs to be on the thumb.........the back of the thumb, not the fore of the thumb...

going cold turkey on soda: drink cold water, not sugar water...

Whole Hog Cafe: no way on EARTH is this The Good Earth restaurant from the '80s!!!

Elizabeth Taylor: imagine BEING FORCED TO WATCH Raintree County...

Michael Jackson: hey all the pot shops and cannabis counters in Seaside are closed...

Bob Hearts Abishola: great show, IMPOSSIBLE to type online...

Seton Hall: yeah Anderson Cooper played for our Wiffleball team in the '90s...

Chris D: Chris Di.

Princess Diana: ...

Chris Diamantopoulos: learn it, love it, put it in a gyro.

Michael Weiss: i won't be your clown show anymore!!! stop gawking at me!!! thus i have quietly stopped posting on Instagram...

Jacques Pepin: you thought only YOU knew the word bedraggled. but i know the word bedraggled...

Claudine Pepin: oh yeah, the arugula at Berkeley...

Carl Sagan: i miss red marker circles all over my blueprints...

John Michael Talbot: when you're a country-rock guitar god like me, you get to have a wife while being a monk. monk wife. i am beard goals. my name sounds like tabernacle Eucharist and table wine, that's a good lunch. for the record, Codrus is an asshole, Cotard's nice, and Minster's funny as fuck.

motherhouse: where Fuerza and The Pope live and fuck.

Galan: i'm a witch from El Salvador. no worries. 

bum in the middle of the freeway intersection: another day, another dollar...

Mardith: how does one find their spirit animal?

Tai: a LOT of Morning Meditations. but watch out for that trickster fox spirit...

Julie Patzwald: my spirit animal is the fox who got his after that whale ate Donkey Pinocchio.

at the mall.

Eye Luggage: what are you seeing?

Julie Patzwald: the eternal Bored vs. Busy seesaw pendulum. at See's Candies. and Grape Scope mouthwash.

Bustamante: i've been shoveled at Shakey's.

Julie Patzwald: pizza kilns emit harmonic rings of fire.

Trinity, Talia, and Snowball: we're gonna combine our cat magicks and SAVE MALLEE MAKER!!!

Mallee Maker: thanks, my cat dinner guests, i felt those heal vibes on my Birman face. i'm named after a famous French new-wave lawn-croquet documentary director...

gorgeous char: when you fry eggs in a Dutch oven...

Morgan Bolling: i'm a gorgeous character, a gorgeous real-life anime character, look at my Alita eyes!!!...

Nashville, Tennessee: our smudge ain't that churchless Wiccan smudge, our smudge is smudge from handling a newspaper about gas and oil...

propane: ask Hank Hill, he's the King of this country, somehow propane is better than electric...

Sophie Scholl: i fought for Anne Frank.

Anne Frank: sometimes life is the only school you get.

Olympics: OOOH, we thought we were making SALAD kits...

lost episode of Family Ties.

Mallory: i'm not your daughter. and i'm not being a moody teenager.

Meredith Baxter-Birney: then who is?

Mallory in cowboy boots: Boots Mallory.

Meredith Baxter-Birney: this is so Lifetime Movie.

Snake from Degrassi: skin tags, they're like popping zits, it can get messy...

Mardith: MR

Madame Pons: Mr. Right?

Mardith: Mercury Retrograde. 

Madame Pons: isn't it time at your age to settle down with Mr. Right, spirit daughter? look at me, look at my face, it's too late for me...

Gatorade Fit: everybody, move your feet and feel united, oh oh oh, Vince Lombardi, move your feet and feel united, oh oh oh...

sillage: woke and desirable.

Eye Luggage: Dune and go.

David Lynch: i'll keep quiet. 

Alejandro Jodorowsky: people forget i didn't actually FINISH MY Dune.

David Lynch: yeah. i went over to Blockbuster with my Blockbuster Card to get your Dune VHS tape cassette but the nice pimpled boy in the front said they didn't have it. at this time. they didn't carry it. because it never existed.

Alejandro Jodorowsky: if it wasn't for my Dune, there would be no Alien franchise...

David Lynch: first order of business, throw away ALL the Zardoz props...

Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn: do we dine at this dune?... 

David Lynch: i got sand in my pants. sand in my shorts...

E.Z. Taylor: can you surf Spice?

David Lynch: so this is Star Wars for adults. but shouldn't space opera have more sex? more graphic sex?

Harrison Ford: imagine if Star Wars was Rated R...

Carrie Fisher: i don't WANNA imagine that!!!

Toto: Toto and Sting, a match made in space heaven, it's like Bowie and Eno...

space: if it's space, it's synth...

Kyle MacLachlan: i'm new to the film business.

David Lynch: stick with me, kid...

Kyle MacLachlan: this is why i was so EAGER AND EBULLIENT as Paul Atreides at the start of this film, i'm ready to get this acting thing started!!!

David Lynch: and friendly. i'm not used to friendly.

David Lynch: so the Spice stuff is cocaine. obviously. this is the '80s.

Frank Herbert: psilocybin, i was shrooming it up a storm with Alan Watts in his mushroom pod house.

melange: a mix. with Sunny D or something.

prescience: foreknowledge, insight, the science before science.........magic...

Virginia Madsen: i'm the head at the beginning of this film. hey Channing Tatum, when are you going to also adapt The Head on MTV into a feature film?

the year 10,191: just to make sure...

Patrick Stewart: it's weird having Picard be an underling. snorting Spice is a way better way to interstellar travel than the transporter aboard a starship, one hit and you've traveled light years!!! these aren't lightsabers, these knives will inflict a Tron cube on your opponent...

Codrus: the Bene Gesserit, now THOSE are hot nuns!!!

Francesca Annis drinking orange juice: you see, this is the crux of life, which is hard, when you get older it's almost impossible to find a life partner again. if i find one, it's for the BETTER to share your life with someone.

me: THANK YOU!!! FINALLY someone speaks the truth!!! you can't live this life alone!!! the whole You Are Enough thing is bollocks!!!

Mandisa: i speak truth about life the way Anthony Bourdain did. Christianity is not a strong enough shield. it's not easy to go back once God has betrayed you. you are so scared that it's all just nothing, terrified of that thought, that nihilistic notion, you don't want to go there. but in the back of your mind.........this is real talk, people. real life, folks.

Reverend Mother: why'd you bear a son instead of a daughter?

Francesca: the sex with his father was EXTRA kinky, i couldn't help it. we used '70s beads in space. don't worry, he'll star in The Bear and be loved by the next generation of daughters.

Reverend Mother: ready for the test?

Paul Atreides: yes.

Reverend Mother: stick your hand in my box.

Lorne Michaels: it's not the SNL box with the dick.

Paul: is this the lion coin thing? are you old Audrey Hepburn?

Audrey Hepburn: i never got old...

Reverend Mother: your hand is being melted off by nuclear waste. your hand is being cut off by Jackie Chan.

Paul: nah, Jackie Chan is too nice for that. 

Reverend Mother: where is your hand now?

Paul: it's with the cut ear David Lynch has in his trailer.

Reverend Mother: it's all in your head.

Paul: that makes sense, Kwisatz Haderach can't be a real thing.

giant sandworms: where's Michael Gross? we're obviously metaphors for wanting a big penis but not having a big penis. are we one with the Spice? we ARE the Spice!!! we're Spice Worms. not to be confused with the Spice Girls...

King Kong: did i kill you worms, too?...

Paul: yeah so the stillsuit here, you can survive in the desert for 200 years if you drink your own pee through this tube.

Fremen leader: THIS PROVES HE'S OUR MESSIAH!!!

Paul: you're cute. i've seen you in my dream.

Sean Young: nice line, you got game. i bet you say that to all the girls. i'm Chani the chola and i'm into Fremen firemen.

Paul: why are your eyes blue?

Sean Young: i drank a lot of Windex as a kid. Puck was my younger brother. i was in EVERY risky sci-fi venture of the early '80s...

Duncan Idaho: are you filming this on a potato? expensive cheap-looking space sets. i need the Toto beard to cover up my John Davidson face...

Boc: what a disgusting display having the symbol of gayness and AIDS in the '80s be this repulsive villain with pustules all over his face. the nonchalant sexual assault on screen is shocking.

Baron Harkonnen: can anybody here recommend a good acne cream?

Snake from Degrassi: ...

Baron Harkonnen: why am i the only person in this universe who can float?...

Baron Harkonnen: these aren't harsh conditions, i was on the Rhoda set...

Brad Dourif: i have triangle hair, i look like a Rocky Horror reject...

Brad Dourif: Piter De Vries, my son was on Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Mentat: like gum.

Roger Eno: i'm a monk now...

Sting: like my codpiece? you thought i'd be wearing this same codpiece during my climactic battle with Paul at the end, huh? everyone was disappointed about that...

Linda Hunt: yeah these spies are the same Star Wars flying balls, not the Spaceballs balls.

Paul: you have a creepy crone look. like you're the matriarch of a bunch of dwarfs.

Linda: that's what all nuns are, double agents. we hunt space magicks.

Doryce: Paul you are the young man of my dreams but you are unattainable...

Woody Allen: weirding module, so it's a sex machine, a sex booth...

Jared Leto: has anyone seen Leto? wait i'm in the wrong movie...

Sean Young: i know, this is confusing, right?...

Paul's dad: come closer, Baron, i want to kiss your angelic lips with my German mouth.

Baron Harkonnen: your breath stinks. and you want to be a dentist? pipe dream, tell your folks. i feel PINK and stink, alive at five, like a TMNT villain. clever, putting a bomb in a tooth...

Paul and Francesca spelunking down the endless caves...

Francesca: this is getting Oedipal...

Paul: do you find me attractive, mom?

Francesca: maybe when you looked like Cillian Murphy...

sietch: a community stitched together by ideas, not color.

Paul: i am Muad'Dib for i enjoy doing Mad Libs with my pencil. i get first dibs at Bea Arthur. 

Bea Arthur: maybe when you looked like Frank Sinatra. or Pee-wee Herman.

Trent Reznor: ...

Trent Reznor: i liked Dorothy's ex-husband Stanley.

Francesca: so you're saying if i drink this Fiji Water childbirth will be a breeze from now on and i'll get Terrence Malick for a husband, a husband who will BE THERE for me!!! and the kids. 

Alia: my cat is Talia...

pug: so my name is Daryl. i'm meant to show the Atreides family as Renaissance rulers from space. Space Europe. they traded space kingdoms for a pack of Garbage Pail Kids cards. can a dog get some Fiji Water?...

sandworms: Spice is our poo.

Paul: in keeping with the stillsuits...

Chani: how did you come to our desert planet?

Paul: i slept with Roy Orbison's "In Dreams" playing in my mind...

Chani: is there any way off this desert planet? i'm not wearing the Leia chains...

Paul: trip on shrooms whilst eating Golden Grahams cereal. i started mind-traveling after eating pickles and before i knew it one of the Dune characters was a giant pickle in a jar...

dad: this Dune 1984 film takes me back to reading sci-fi paperbacks in my den in the '80s eating nothing but Thrifty square ice cream on a card table...

the Beast: having my cut head there in the middle of the shot on screen is just silly, i love this film.

Alicia Witt: for a little kid like me to have to say the word Kwisatz Haderach, that deserved hazard pay.

David Lynch: and here come the MEMES!!!...

David Lynch: Kwisatz Haderach, give a dog a bone, this old man is going home...

Laertus: oh the end credits tho, they're the most beautiful end credits in film history. the actors gently breathing looking at you with plaintive eyes.

Eye Luggage: i know, right? they're so ethereal, so dreamy, so watery, in a lucid dream by the sea, Vangelis music nipping at your earlobes...

David Lynch: doing the whole internal-monologue thing saved a FUCKLOAD on money. g'night folks.

me by the fire. a fire in a fireplace inside one of those Dune interstellar spaceship things. with gold Spice wisps coming off the flames.

Jen R: Burger King?

me: Burger King. happy weekend.

Jen: Burger King had the Dune 1984 toys!!!

I GOT MY CANNABIS CARD!!!

 

Jen R and i are at the DMV.

Jen R: this is where you get a medical marijuana card, right? where you get it laminated.

me: MM, not Morning Meditations, Medical Marijuana.

Jen: why does everyone here look like Crocodile Dundee?

Jen splays a WIDE mattress in the center of the dirty DMV open opal floor.

Jen: hit me with your best shot, fire away.

me: is that an invitation or a warlock spellcasting summons?

we cuddle on the center of the mattress and people-watch all the DMV disgruntled harried line-takers going around in circles. around the mattress.

Jen: i feel all spacey here. have you checked out the DMV coffee room?

me: it's all about efficiency at the DMV. 

Jen: INGENIOUS!!! instead of three chilled expensive bottles of iced coffee on the flimsy side-table, they bought ONE milk carton of lukewarm iced coffee.   

me: the DMV is about speed.

Jen: i wish it were about speedballs. 

me: check out all the tiny wooden spoons here.

Jen: the Irish Cream isn't white, it's grey. all water in coffee mugs is grey. the girl taking your picture for the cannabis card has a humidifier in her cubicle, that's odd.

Greykid: why do humans change their humidifiers DAILY?

Jen: because.........no idea.

Greykid: no i'm trying to teach you something, you have to think about it in terms of a cat's water dish, you change that out with fresh water every day so why shouldn't humans have fresh water every day?

Jen: it's called Global Warming.

Leslie Sbrocco: Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster? puh-lease, San Francisco Bay Biscuits were baking in crockpots to the side of lobster nets in this city 200 years prior!!!

Richard Pryor: i was the ONLY ONE who truly loved the man Robin Williams.

Saturn return: finally the whole Age 27 thing is explained.

Kurt Cobain: i was studying the wrong planet. i was studying Uranus.

Mardith: it's almost time for my Great Age 27 Tumult. 

Madame Pons: you'll be fine, dear. just batten down the hatches and take your decks of tarot cards with you to the basement...

Reacher: i'm Reacher, not Tracker, Tracker is the other guy, get it right, i'm on your side.........politically...

Nahuel Guzman: the greatest magic trick i ever performed was not keeping the futbol out of the soccer net, it was restoring my wife Celine Dion's voice again...

the devil: the greatest trick i ever pulled off was finding out i could bend.........i could be lenient and not just for Ingmar Bergman.........i could do a pull-up.

Toby: Cinnabon Pull-Aparts?

Kathryn: there are Cinnabon crumbs in your bed.........from me...

Toby: i'm kicking you out of my bed, Kathryn.

Celine Dion: i sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" on my comeback album, i'm going country like Beyonce.

Hamburglar: there were no burgers on your farm!!!

David Cameron: Israel will counterstrike against Iran...

Woody Allen: Lord Cameron? that's just weird to say...

in their bedchamber in an English castle.

Gwen Stefani: because of you i named the next No Doubt album Return of Saturn.

Gavin Rossdale: you're still in that silly band? yeah Saturn return, the planet Saturn returns from orbit for the first time since your birth, it's a time of great tumult, uncertainty, depression, and general questioning of everything you were ever taught.

Gwen: this explains why i started reading Sylvia Plath when it was 27 instead of in college...

Gavin: great, i was the author of my own demise. because of this wisdom i imparted to you you're going to go out and start doing crazy unexplainable baffling things like leave me for Blake Shelton.

Gwen: it's your fault, both meanings. that sounds like a good idea for a song.

Gavin: it's a good germ. but what kind of song? grand grunge or silly ska?...

Sylvia Plath: i started reading Sylvia Plath after i died. for context.

me: Jen, my love is real. my love for you is real, this is serious, this isn't a joke. i gotta talk to you. my home life is a disaster, it's disastrous. it's not safe for me to be there anymore. do you ever wake up in the morning and realize you're trapped? that you're living on a sinking ship.

Jen: the people on the Titanic never woke up...

me: why does Baltimore have to have dead phones and friends' art galleries?

Jen: Rose, with Leo DiCaprio's money, went on to do double-door installations in Carmel...

Omaha Steaks: Steak Like You Meat It

DoorDash: fuck Walmart, right? why wait for tea tree oil and cotton swabs a week when you can have them delivered to your stoop TODAY!!! lifesaving medicine IMMEDIATELY.

Doryce: i love sucking cotton balls, tea tree teabag.

Ear Horn: tea tree oil can only be properly conjured in a witch kettle at the back of Pic-N-Save, mix well with a sap spoon.  

Morgan Bolling: is that like a witch Dutch oven?

Storybook International wood spoon: always have many spoons in the stone soup, always be watching 5 minutes of 5 TV shows at the same time...

Minster: are you watching that Catholic priest on Instagram with Larry David comedy chops?

Larry David: Larry-Day Saints?

Minster: see? you CAN be a priest and a comedian who uses blue and dark humor. 

Catholic priest: you get in an accident and your stereo's still on. playing Britney Spears. embarrassing. presets, am i right?

Minster: a goth priest. Father Ted taught us well.

Sean Connery: i mean of COURSE monks can joke, that's about as funny as ME!!!, SEAN CONNERY!!!, playing a goddamn monk!!!

chicken pot pie: the official cinereous meal of Storybook International...

Jen: you know why you love Storybook International so much? they are all stories with an old mother wondering how her good-natured well-meaning but clumsy son will fare in the world when she's gone.

me: i'd be a dreamer too if i lived in Medieval times...

Jen: all the women in these '80s Medieval tales have that British-pornstar look...

dark rye bread: actually tastes better UNTOASTED than toasted...

Caroline Wozniacki: the Dragon's-Tail Spire is no more. but you can't eat money. especially coins. be calm cool and collected, the Danish way. collect no bills and watch The Flight of Dragons with your kids...

Jean-Luc Picard: sure, splash some Earl Grey oil on your skin tags.

Jen: that's the good burning.

Jean-Luc Picard: if you have a skin tag in your eye you're shit out of luck, you don't want that stuff burning your eyehole. in my case i just became a Borg and got that Borg Eye...

Ear Horn: you're so cute, baldy, wanna dance? wanna go on The Golden Bachelor?...

Eden Rainbow-Cooper: i followed my rainbow, did you follow yours? no i'm not a voice on the Garbage Pail Kids cartoon...

Oscar Pistorius: so i can't even get a Reese's Medal?...

Smiling Friends boss: i look like Ross Perot, who won the '96 Election in a landslide upset...

Pati Jinich: i'm a Mexican kawaii anime magical princess.

Mila the dog: and i'm a Japanese polar cat...

Adrian Bliss: i'm the ULTIMATE EXAMPLE of someone who wanted to do sketches on YouTube but had NO CAST, NO ONE WAS INTERESTED in acting with me...

Nike Olympics: we see you...

cicadas: prepare to watch A LOT of anime...

Kathryn from Wendy's: FINALLY here is me in all my glory, my PHAT butt in jeans and...

Toby: small tits.

Kathryn: Toby, you will never pull apart my CLOTHES, you realize this, right?

Toby: but Cinnabon's not big anymore...

Safelite.

Kendrick: it's me, Takahashi!!!

the UPS Store: shred here. 

E.Z. Taylor from Three's a Crowd on a surfboard: thanks. notice how SERIOUS i am on Jake and the Fatman?...

Kayak scarecrow.

lady: i'm gonna stuff my bra.........with this hay here and become Batman's #1 nemesis Scarecrow.........oh fuck this, it'll never be the same, Kevin Conroy is dead. Scarecrow, put me under one of your Genjutsus...

Johnsonville: let's see each other again. no more manufactured outrage, only brats cooked on the grill LENGTHWISE. 

Panera: we invented bacon...

Chris D at the DMV: boring is brilliant. okay having this commercial come on during a break from the Space Shuttle Columbia Disaster documentary on CNN was in poor taste... 

Tony Hawk: the key to my success? gas-station sushi. no really, that's the skateboarder ethos, we just don't care...

Chris D: you can type more words than BOOBIES on your Casio calculator from the '80s. 

Flipper: Flipper as a horror movie, Flipper as a shark.........think about it...

Frankie Corzo: let's rappel down this wall. natural wall. you think climbing the rope in gym class was hard?

husband: it chafed my inner thighs.

Frankie Corzo: think about climbing the rope in gym class knowing you knocked up your girlfriend.

husband: you mean we're having a baby?!!!

Frankie Corzo: Nintendo makes it official, with their Nintendo Official Seal.

husband: but Animal Crossing's not big anymore...

Sabrina Curzi: i'm her niece...

BEHR paint. BEHRthoven.

Ludvig Aberg: Amadeus?...

at the DMV Bobby Shmurda is holding a concert. Shmurda breaks out his Shmurda Dance on stage inside the DMV to Filter's "Take a Picture"...

Jen plants a WET-ASS kiss on my lips.

Jen: i can't think of a better moment to big-kiss you, rap and the DMV go way back. before Grandmaster Flash. let me help you with your problems.