Wednesday, March 27, 2024

FRIGGEBOD, THE TOWER OF COMFORT


 




Jen R: i got us this friggebod. isn't it cute?
me: okay THAT is a Storybook International house!!! a Storybook International stone inn!!! 
Jen: the type of house where the stove is next to your bed. 
Gregor Samsa: i bake fat biscuits on that stove.
Ear Horn: i got my tits EMBIGGENED on that stove, dearie. country-biscuit tits.
Jen: you can fold up this cottage and move it to the next green-dot grassy hill over yonder when the crags start to get angry with seawave foam. in Europe and Mendocino. i know how much you like Medieval stuff.
me: ironically there won't be any frigid bodies in there, we will be fucking constantly, lots of simpleton-peter sex.
Jen: sex with your peter. am i talking too much? please ignore me.
me: i can't, i love you too much. never stop talking, our conversations SUSTAIN me.

me: that's the thing with life, if you meet the right people, it's glorious, if you don't, it's hell.
Jen: have i made your life even a SMIDGEN more comfortable?
me: you saved me with your love. is that too Robert Downey Jr.?
Jen: just the right amount of RDJ. can you have too much RDJ? isn't he the point? showing up every day is a fucking CHORE. it's fucking hard to maintain. somedays i'm just not having fun out here. no one sees the progress you're making on the off days.
me: to just get out of the bed in the morning. immediately hitting your head on the stove.

Kurt Cobain: i would have liked Medieval times. these are my people. especially the blacksmith.
Jen: yeah, men with long hair were the NORM. especially the knights.
Kurt: i'm a knight with my powder-blue lance, my guitar. i'm a woodsman woodshedding with my axe. out back practicing. out back turning these three chords around. 
me: i wanna see you on the lute, Kurt. 
Jen: at least AVAM survived Baltimore. 
me: what does that mean?
Kurt: i'll take that one, i'm into Buddhism, the word avam means "enlightenment" in Hindi.
Jen: it's the American Visionary Art Museum. speaking of, i'm putting a piece i got there here in THAT corner of our friggebod. a Richard Serra that looks like a giant BIG-ASS candle circle. i always liked Richard Serra because he looks like Uncle Fester and you know how much i dance the Wednesday Dance.

me: what the fuck's going on with me? suddenly i'm HOCKING PHLEGM. 
Jen slapping my back: don't swallow, advice my mother gave me long ago. don't swallow the mucus, spit it out. it's like you're a chainsmoker but you've never touched the stuff.
Lowly Worm: without Richard Serra in my life as my mechanic the Apple Car would cease to be, eaten by Margot Kidder's wolves.

Karen Mayo-Chandler: what does one say about the life i led? it's so corny to say i had no regrets but what else can i say? it was a brilliant Hollywood career cut WAY TOO SHORT by the Plague. i had fun whilst it lasted. nobody knows when one's time will be up, you have to live each day as if it's your last. i fucked Jack Nicholson, that must account for something.
Jack Nicholson: this was during my Five Easy Pieces phase, i'm afraid you were on a list.
Karen Mayo-Chandler: that sad song which plays at the end of every Storybook International episode, it's especially morbid now as you think about my painfully short life...
Matthew Perry: i actually preferred Miracle Whip. i didn't get a miracle.
Akira Toriyama: i mean i prayed to a Dragon God and nothing.

The Mighty Boosh as their Saturday-night tavern troupe: we're GREAT dancers. but we're even better pie-crust makers.

Sam Block from America's Test Kitchen: i don't look like Kate McKinnon, i look like Aunt Cork!!!

Ray Bradbury: i mean now they slide my book Fahrenheit 451 into their mini personal pizza kilns beside their bedroom beds. this is getting ridiculous.

Michael Weiss: before you start Instagram, and i can't stress this enough, divide your friends into two camps: sober and still struggling. do NOT send alcohol memes to those still struggling.

Dave Matthews singing "Crash into Me": "the killing fields / you plant cocaine..."

St. Patrick: i don't get bars. bars are stupid. bars are dumb. i was sober my whole fucking life. i played darts in my bedroom.

Tacoma truck: that orange-blue-white-green-banded pull-out lounge chair from the '80s, remember? on the grass on the sidelines at AYSO Saturday soccer matches.
Violetta Laze: orange slices and pop in a thermos.
me: in the '80s there was no Gatorade, just water.

Anthony Michael Hall: i was the only one in The Breakfast Club who didn't end up with someone. everyone else paired off with a quickness for the ending. that is what happens when you have 5!!! FIVE PEOPLE!!! ODD number of people!!!

Todd Bridges the Governor of Maryland: diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks but we all must learn to build bridges to one another or we won't survive to understand each other to actually love each other for the first time.

chalk egg: people in asylums celebrate Easter, too.

dress shield: don't use me, i am disgusting. i know roll-on deodorant gets pus stuck in your armpits and makes them MORE itchy. but it's still better. use Sure spray.........at least for a week.

Madame Pons: my Easter is gonna be a relaxing occasion with me in the shower with some LUSH aromatherapy shower steamers. and my man.
Takahashi: our shower steamers include the following scents: McDonald's fries, wood, pine needle.
Luke Russert: and Vicks VapoRub.

Marilyn Monroe: when the world is at its darkest, when racism surrounds you at every corner of the soccer pitch, put me in your ears. with these Marilyn Monroe earrings i will never leave your side, you won't be alone anymore, we can conquer the forces of darkness together with our light one fan at a time.

Mardith at the stewhouse: don't worry, i'm on your side, i'm the good guys, i pierced my nipples with safety pins.

Lisa Rubin: it all seems so easy because i'm on TV, right? i worked HARD for my life, honey. the big tits. the perfect family. having a legal mind sharper than Perry Mason's. that all took DECADES of dedication.
Lisa Edelstein: did you play my sister on an episode of House?

Alisyn Camerota: i was searching for home. if home meant i go interstate couch-surfing with an '80s CBGB punk rocker.
Scott Weiland: ...
Alisyn: no a PUNK band lead-singer.
Scott Weiland: that's cold, lady.
Alisyn: a man who would go on later to be a steady reliable husband, father, and partner. we even settle down in Action Park, New Jersey with Sara Walsh and MLB Matt. family life with Alice in Chains. combat love means shrapnel on your knees. what everyone wants, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow journey, is a psychiatrically-sound family. i spell Alison like a jaded sorority girl who plays Dungeons & Dragons.
me: i want family. i want stability. i want health. these things will never be mine. i will never even scratch the SURFACE of this the rest of my whole life.
The California Lottery: you didn't win.
Kyle Mooney: trust me, being a family man is where it's AT. i said that like Beck.

1970s Encyclopedia Britannica set: you won't find true love until you tell him about your psoriasis.

Tim & Eric: Boxy Boys sounds like something we'd do. and we did. with Carmelo Anthony.
Carmelo Anthony: look at our smiles at the end there, our smiles are CRISP.
Jen: Eric, just Eric not Tim, stayed at my flat in Hell's Kitchen.

J Will: student athletes never existed. look, do you REALLY want to make college basketball the best game it can be? four quarters of just free throws, that will get the crowd permanently involved, the crowd won't drift off into boredom during the game.

NCAA: Olympians made here. who then go on to become American Gladiators on your TV.

Jalen Brunson: i'm a vibe. a Woody Allen Spike Lee vibe. i mean i'm the first person to come up with a TV SUIT!!! a jacket with tiny TV screens on it. i mean okay maybe there was an episode of The Great Space Coaster before...
Jen: everybody who lives in NYC wears a Knicks jacket naked to bed.

Hurley from Lost: don't delete my pics and vids, i internal-dialogue to myself. because Lost is SURE to come back in some form...

Dave Gahan: when you're looking down the barrel of a Grammarly, choose the sentence that makes you the most VULNERABLE, not the most confident, that's the artist thing to do.

me: ring ring?
Jen: that ringing is not in your mind. it's a real phone.
me: you fit a phone in our friggebod?
Jen: it's in the stove.
me: OH MY GOD it's LINDY LENZ!!!
Jen: i'm not jealous, i'm supportive of your needs.
me: why does my kind polite girlfriend always have a dead phone?
Lindy Lenz: i just was never into tech, you know?
me: it's been a year since we last spoke.
Lindy Lenz: yeah. but isn't it better to have had a couple good calls with me rather than, say, a committed lifelong marriage?
me: no. but it's better than nothing. HEAVY sigh, life is so fucking cruel.

 








Monday, March 25, 2024

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: A SPOONFUL OF SPORES


 





the three of us are at People's Park in Berkeley.
Joni Mitchell: you can feel the history in this place. it's SATURATED in the air, you can taste the radicalness on your tongue. even a place like Berkeley can forget its history if enough years pass by, history is tricky like that, it turns on a dime. it's up to YOU young people to NEVER forget the sacrifices made here for the hippie cause, to unleash free love.
Jen P: never, ma'am. i'm the only one here who's still a student. 
me: well, an official student.
Jen R: i'd rather be a travel writer of this place. so much looseness i'm stretchy in my pants right now.
we sit on the bench made famous by Forrest Gump's illegitimate child who became the first hippie retroactively with help from Superman's wind.
Christopher Reeve in an Easter-bunny suit: not my fart.
Jen P: a spoonful of spores. a teaspoon of spores will do it.
Mary Poppins: everybody tryna get in my bitch ass.
Jen R: yeah, to plant shrooms throughout the land.
Jen P: trees, i was thinking more trees. it's about seeding. as long as THIS place has NEW trees, NEW people will notice it, see the good graffiti on the outhouse stalls, help a squatter's grass tent, help humanity remember when it wasn't about politics. 

Jen R: another miracle that comes from a spoon of spores is a baby. a spurt of cum.
Jen P: yes. in another timeline you were OBSESSED with me. and my miracle baby. after so many scarring miscarriages. funny how timelines and feelings change on a dime. 
me: blame me for the feelings, but blame the endless timelines on Einstein. obsession is a funny thing, it was obsession for me because there was no one else. so it was more like desperation. i really do feel Jen R is my soulmate.
Jen P: yeah i know, that is something which cannot be changed in any timeline.
Jen R: i can get a sitter for you guys, i hear Cher lives in Huntington.
me: i promise to be the best father i can. as soon as i get a job. or become a permanent student.
Jen R: loving someone is a revolution.

Suzy Lu: so i went to a red-carpet premiere. me.
Kakashi: you know what everyone is saying about this, right, babe?
Suzy Lu, hangdog: i know.
Kakashi: the world has truly come to an end now.

at the park.
me: no one noticed my birthday. it was exciting. it was exhilarating.........but then the next day it was just kinda depressing.
Jen R: that's your other you talking, the other me that thinks about it in internal-dialogue form.
Jen P: it completely slipped my mind, i was busy buying Pampers.
Michael Weiss: only Instagram noticed my birthday. the Instagram Birthday Feature.

Mardith: what do women do when they become old and unfuckable? where do women go?
Marketa Irglova: ...
Shirley Manson: get you a band for life in which in order to achieve anything in the long run, in other to achieve longevity around an actual business model, the bandmates realize from jump NEVER to fuck one another.

Dr. Kevorkian at the park: i don't jog alone anymore. jogging is such a lonely exercise. i jog with Special Olympics athletes in wheelchairs alongside. in the Boston Marathon. i'm trying to turn my life around.

Lorne Michaels: it's only live once.........i'm not talking about SNL, i'm talking about the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

at the City Berkeley Library.
George Orwell: 1984 was banned? thank you, that plays right into the narrative of my book.
Ray Bradbury: Fahrenheit 451 was banned, too? banned by being placed in a fire at a book burning. i mean think about it.
 
Carmelo Anthony: what? i'm a David Byrne fan.

KION: working hard.........bringing you the news.........local stories that matter.........with the volume VERY LOW.

Trent Reznor summering away from New Orleans in a Berkeley hostel: the best part about Invincible? the drums.

Boc: let me stop you right there. you simply cannot take a walk when the forecast calls for "scattered showers." 
Ariana Araiza: jumping from puddle to puddle not knowing what direction you're going. in life. like me club-hopping.
Greykid: when two dogs sniff each other along the only brick Barnyard path, it's a shitshow. it's a sniffshow. 
bum: i FUCKING hate that carburetor noise those dumb male Miatas make.

Alana Haim: you gotta eat more tofu, you know? drink more corn syrup. kidney beans, tomato PASTE not spaghetti sauce, lentils. food and drink rich in iron.

Ryan Phillippe: i feed the pig. in fact i'm quite frugal with my coins. i dry my laundry outside by the pool. i only appear in ONE episode of a TV series.

Saturday-morning cartoons: laughter, your kids knew about wellness in the '80s before wellness was a buzzword for adults in the 2020s.

at the Berkeley public tennis courts covered in good graffiti located in the center of the park.
Emma Raducanu: back.
Nick Kyrgios: you're back? you're coming back?
Emma Raducanu: no, my stiff back. i'm canceling the rest of my year.

Peter Griffin: you finally won, America. you got the matchup you always wanted: Family Guy vs. South Park on Wednesday nights. who will win? the liberals or the conservatives, who have the better ideas?
Seth MacFarlane: the answer is the good guys.

Wendy: you walked all the the way to Safeway in the rain just to get ONE pack of Doublemint gum?
me: expressly to see you, the grand gilf, the last hippie who was on the Two-Lane Blacktop set.
Wendy: you're not from that Compass Church in Monterey, are you? that place scares me. that pastor is creepy. we learned free love the natural way, not from some manufactured religion. it's a culvert not a calvert, you know? it's not a Calvinist culvert.
Easter eggs: never meant to be dropped from a helicopter.

me: don't i know you from somewhere? you have a familiar face to me.
Ariana Araiza: yeah, we were classmates at Palma. well we should have been.

Tai meditating in her yoga shoppe: i'm a masterpiece trying to master peace.

Wayne Brady: yeah that's me in Ninja Kamui at the end there. i'm this show's master plan for humans to achieve free love, which is pansexual love.

Fareed Zakaria is asked to deliver a lecture on campus.
Fareed Zakaria: the Lutherans are a rational people. they can discuss politics in a church.

Jen R: it's funny when you realize how SHORT David Lynch's filmography actually is.
David Lynch: stick with the first item on any list. always go with someone's first. go with Eraserhead.
Nic Cage: Wild at Heart had a good ending. i liked the ending. it's always a good thing having me in a leather jacket giving another of my patented zany performances. 

Sally Field: '80s Andie MacDowell.........yep.

Michael Weiss: but what if the internet COULD be erased?
Julia Ioffe: my father wanted me to be a Russian spy.

Gargoyles '98: we're combining with that '80s live-action Beauty and the Beast show and we're seeing how that goes.

seagull: hey Boc, you just take for granted that you go for your walk each morning and there aren't any car crashes. do you know how that happens? me. me and my bird magic.

at the park.
me: i gotta get out of here. i need to go to Baltimore. or have one of you lovely lifesaver ladies SCOOP me away to Baltimore. i would spend my life savings on a ticket to Baltimore if i could, pour my life savings into one ticket. do i even HAVE a life savings anymore? or was life savings just an '80s thing?
Lindy Lenz: i would but my house has no roof. call me Cynthia.
me: and you.........oh god i'm gonna cry.........i will never stop being your friend, i'll NEVER stop answering your texts each and every time you reach out to me, you're all i got.........even though WE CAN NEVER BE.
Jen R: it's a pipe dream. but think about it, some of the best skateboarders skated pipes.
Tony Hawk: for a skateboarder i lead an incredibly NORMAL life.
Jen P touches my bony shoulder then slaps my face.
Jen P: you gotta look at it this way, all you've got at any given moment are TODAY's feelings. so feel them. me? right now i'm feeling that unsettling sensation when you've been sitting in your computer chair for too long and an itchy blood bubble forms at the tip of your butthole along the crack that sends an uncomfortable yet tingly warm pool of blood through your body like spine shivers when you wipe.
Tom Hanks: nobody invited me to their last prom, i can't dance. 




 





Friday, March 22, 2024

SCANNERS: A SCANNER LIGHTLY














Jen R and i are in Seattle. of course our next stop after out last adventure.
Kurt Cobain: the Gateway to Canada. if i had eaten more Washington apples i'd be alive today.
Jen R: do not worry, we are at a yardsale but it's not one of those divorce yardsales that happen when the couple is acrimonious and split their belongings evenly item to item.
me: see i don't even want to envision that, manifest that into existence, when we get married it's gonna be forever. if we ever have a yardsale it'll be an ANTIQUES yardsale.
Jen: you see here? this nightstand? 3 slices of pizza wrapped in tinfoil. collectively they all form a perfect silver boomerang. when that happens you can NOT eat the pizza.
Melissa Maker: i shall be your guide through Canada this week. do you know what a Candan boomerang is? a sex position only Myself knows.
Jen: that thing where the Canadian children get to see the rad new cartoons before the American kids. 
Melissa: yeah like Dragon's Lair.
Jen: and that Degrassi cartoon. there hasn't been a Degrassi cartoon yet? this needs to happen.

me: halfway done with the day and things are going swimmingly, nobody's the wiser.
Jen: not so fast, buster, i didn't forget your birthday. 
me: i just want it to be a normal day, no fuss. i just want this day to be over with.
Jen: i'll tell you what i'm gonna do.
Jen pushes me into the muddy banks of the Wishkah River.
Jen: it's World Water Day.

Jen R and i fuck at a local motel.
me: for some reason that felt better than our usual romps.
Jen: it's because i called you mi papi chulo.
me: you're right, when a woman calls me their papi chulo, i can't resist, i'm going for it. but it doesn't end with the sex, we get married and have 9 kids in Point Reyes.
Jen: everyone forgot?
me: Maiara Walsh finally commented back on one of my 3-year-old comments i left her on Instagram. so that was something. that's enough of a birthday gift for me as i stay present.

Benjamin Franklin: Wikipedia, like the U.S. Constitution, is a living document.

Shohei Ohtani: which interpreter do i need to get who will say i'm Japan's Babe Ruth? not Japan's Pete Rose.

Boc: turn left, Waldo.

Luke Russert: it's so depressing to hike the long trek up to Lucky just to get two mini-boxes of tiny trash bags.
lavender tea: this counts as food.
Tai: Om Rhythms is my new yoga shoppe.
Jenny Baranick: rhythms is the longest English word without a vowel. y isn't a vowel anymore for the millennials.

Leslie Sbrocco: don't send me a pic of a plate of mushrooms on Instagram, just don't do it anymore, okay?

Michael Weiss: nobody talks on Instagram.
Julia Ioffe: so what's the point of Instagram?

Madame Pons: i'm a Level 4 Reiki healer so why am i still depressed?
Takahashi: the 4 thing.
Mardith: also, you're old. i'm a Level 1 Reiki healer and i feel fine.
Michael Stipe: ...
Madame Pons: thank you for straight telling it like it is, daughter.

Pati Jinich: on Hijos del Desierto i play the tortilla maker.

Michael Weiss: everybody's coming to me now because i'm the only one who's still on Instagram.

Terry saves Batman's dog Ace.
Bruce Wayne: *stares intently and smiles*
Terry: not even a thank you?
slag it: our version of slay it.

Pepsi: we had to do something after watching Pepsi, Where's my Jet?

Wolverine: DuckTales '91, Gummi Bears '92, the possibilities are endless, bub.
Melissa Maker: i had the biggest crush on Wolverine growing up.

Brett Favre: i play pickleball now. i take vitamins.

seagull: you just take for granted that there's a gaggle of 12 seagulls flying over your head right now.

Jack Tripper: the one bird i appreciated the most during my short lifespan was not Terri but the beach seagull.
Mary Cadorette: ...

Michael Weiss: yeah you just like to watch on Instagram while i do all the work.

Madame Pons: in my day we had candy cigarettes. do they have candy vapes now?
Mardith: kind of. sort of. we have bubblegum vapes.

Eye Luggage: Scanners and go.
David Cronenberg: before we go i would be remiss not to honor the two fallen lives that fell on our shooting set during the making of this picture. this movie was HELL for me in so many ways, it reaches ALL the ways. rubbernecking just isn't funny anymore.

Philip K. Dick: i wish i had lasted long enough to work with Cronenberg. Lynch, too.
Keanu Reeves: has anyone ever told you you look like Ernest Hemingway? i am everyone's prophet but you are MY prophet.
Philip K. Dick: Asimov trapped me in his den.
Isaac Asimov: testing out my time machine.
Philip K. Dick: Alan Watts trapped me in his den.
Alan Watts: i thought you were me.

Jennifer O'Neill: THEY THOUGHT IT COULDN'T BE DONE. but i did it. i actually married MORE MEN than Elizabeth Taylor!!! i own the record, bitches!!! that's the Brazil way, bitch.
The Pope: i mean not to pry but what's with you and the marriage thing? Christianity was never meant to be like this, i wish free love had been advocated more in the '60s.
Patrick McGoohan: are you a slut? cuz of all the men and everything.
Jennifer O'Neill: well you're a nice guy, huh? i mean fuck, could you BE any ruder?
Chandler Bing: ...
Patrick McGoohan: sorry, luv, i was trapped the rest of my life inside the four walls of the nightmare paradise known as The Prisoner.
Jennifer: it's The Pensioner by now. just because you're crazy doesn't give you license to be a dick and an asshole. 
Patrick: you know about those two things. sorry, pet, i did it again. i need therapy, from a MALE nurse. not more Irish beer and crabcakes. ignore me, my name sounds like peanut butter that gets stuck in your mustache.

Jennifer O'Neill: when i FINALLY read the script to this thing, i cried. because it was too late to get out of all that splattercore gore and violence. contracts are a bitch. i was becoming a Born-Again Christian RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT.
Eugene O'Neill: back out of your commitments with the quickness of a motherfucker like i did throughout my career. i wrote some corny stageplays no one saw. 
Cronenberg: yeah sorry about that, the budget on this thing was an omnishambles. the only way to get it funded was to have it paid for by the local Toronto high school. i was writing the script AS i was shooting the script. ten days after our red carpet premiere i finally wrote the ending.

Melissa Maker: Canada is not as claustrophobic and scary and doomy and morby as this movie makes it out to be. 
Cronenberg: in the '80s it was.

Michael Ironside: i am sorry for using the bathroom in that trailer for 7 hours. i just experienced the HARDEST log of poo my butthole has ever gone through in my entire existence. it took FOREVER to pinch out. that poo was a daisycutter. i mean look at my face, do i look like the bad guy or Humphrey Bogart? i can't be both. on the plus side Revok is the COOLEST name ever. Cronenberg's the best. but Atom Egoyan is SLIGHTLY better.

Stephen Lack: i look like Jeff Passan. i look like Cillian Murphy before the Fall. why didn't i become the Canadian Keanu Reeves before Keanu Reeves? my eyes alone are so puppy-dog everyone falls for me the instant my smooth robotic voice speaks. no i didn't do anime voiceover after like everyone else here. Cameron Vale sounds like someone with Elvis sideburns who moves to Beverly Hills 90210.
me: my address. but also Berkeley Hills 90210 is my address.

Neil Affleck: if i HAD been related to Ben i couldn't have done Family Guy as hard as i did it, SHREDDING New England culture the way i did. i wish my name had been Mavor, Mavor is a cool name.

Louis Del Grande: look, i don't want to talk about the exploding head. it's bad karma for me when i do. bad juju, bad vibes. let's talk about ANYTHING else. talk about how my name is Taco Bell. talk about how i played that total Sipowicz-ripoff character on that episode of The Outer Limits "Criminal Nature." i mean did i evince a jaded New York cop's accent in that or WHAT. i had long hair like Woody Allen from Sleeper.

Cronenberg with zebra clapperboard: before we start shooting, my beloved cast and crew, i only ask that this doesn't turn into Da Vinci's Inquest. let's get to the martini shot alive, people.

Cronenberg: mixing science fiction and horror, it seems so natural. the inspiration for this movie was Blue Sunshine for one reason and one reason only: i needed to actually see Zalman King ACT!!!
Dan Aykroyd as Jimmy Carter: ...

Cronenberg: is it telepathy or telekinesis? two very DIFFERENT things. telepathy is mind-reading. all humans CAN mindread, we use 1% of our brains, remember? would the world be BETTER or WORSE if we knew each other's thoughts? 
Counselor Troi: you only know about telepathy because i was hot.
Cronenberg: telekinesis is stuff like moving a tennis ball in the air with your mind.
Debbie Harry: or, like, a cigarette from in between a woman's tits in a lacey frilly French black bra. the script said i was supposed to be wearing a blouse in that scene.

at the mall. 
i'm sitting in the cavernous cafeteria area with two nice ladies gossiping about penis size and how THEY'RE not weird.
me: don't scan me. i'm wearing a green sweater even though i don't have to because i'm a Patrick. it's my birthday, don't scan me on my birthday. i'm quietly eating my churro between the Hot Dog on a Stick and the Panda Express and the Sam Goody music store in the same mall Jubilee was saved from in that first episode of the '90s X-Men cartoon.
Cecilia Phillips: Cecilia Tries It. i will try anything, even your cum. that's what a mall smorgasbord is for.
Cameron Vale: i'm not a bum, i just need to quit smoking. why does every mall have 100 water fountains?

ConSec: we also make Terminators. and the drug Ephemerol. get it? ephemeral. that's a brilliant name. don't let anyone tell you a private military company doesn't have creativity.

Dr. Paul Ruth: i'm not the sex doctor, that's my sister. how may i help you today?
Cameron Vale: what is technopathy?
Ruth: you're the only one who can work the new iPhone. you can also move people's blood around in their bodies, it's funny and silly and fun.
Cameron: i don't want any of these lame superpowers, except for EMPATHY as a human being.

Naruto: i was the first test subject at this grim hospital. i became the first Japanese Scanner, also known as a Chakra Charlie.

Cameron: i heard about the Third Eye in Sunday school but this black-and-white film reel from the 1950s is scarier than Catholic Hell. i closed my eyes through all of it, it's like that Metallica music video.
Norma Desmond: that's some dank shit, Mr. DeMille.
Dr. Ruth: sanitariums are science at its finest. very educational.
Rod Serling: third eyes are wack.

Ruth: we have a mole in the company.
Anderson Cooper: wasn't me.
Ruth: we can't shut down the Scanner program, Scanners are the next step in human evolution.
exploding-head guy: haven't you been watching the new X-Mens? didn't you read the sign? Evolution is a lie!!!

Ruth: why does our boardroom look like a dentist's office?
Cronenberg: because it's my dentist's office.

Louis Del Grande: here's the thing with the exploding head, surely there must have been exploding heads in cinematic history before this. like a 1910 gothic monster movie or something.
Cronenberg: yes. but i POPULARIZED the CONCEPT of the exploding head. nobody had really THOUGHT about an exploding head until it came from me. 
Monty Python: and then we REALLY started thinking about the exploding head.

Benjamin Pierce: soldier of the Canadian Revolution. which also took place in 1776 at a Philadelphia town hall. yeah i'm just here in my barn sculpting a BIG-ASS HEAD of MY FACE in LUSH soap. that's not creepy at all.

Cameron: another dead art show in Canada. 
Melissa Maker: all art in Canada is liked by everyone. even the critics. gallery showings serve Canadian pigs in a blanket which are maple leafs wrapped in bacon. even hard street-illegal drugs in Canada are over-the-counter.
Kurt Cobain: OMG THEY HAVE A DREAMACHINE!!!
Cameron: quick!!! evade the explosion by going through the destroyed Sam Goody.

Laertus: oh you see how the Scanner thoughts are being transmitted from one head to another? the thought-weapon, the thought-gun. it's the Zardoz school of acting.
Cameron: you don't want ME getting your heartbeat racing, get your heart rate up the natural way, by jogging.

Cronenberg: okay now THIS is starting to look like an episode of Degrassi...

Cameron: you're that bored woman from the art show.
Kim Obrist: everyone looks bored at an art show. i'm not bored, i'm hopeless. a hopeless romantic. it's not Kim Obreast. wow look at my butt in these jeans!!! i have a nice butt. you should know something about me, i SCOFF with the best of them, i'm the greatest babe scoffer there is. scoffer babe.
Cameron: you're attractive. but i'm the good guy.

Kim: since i'm a woman naturally i use my Scanner powers to heal. got any cuts or bruises?
Cameron: i'm a schizophrenic, i could use a bandage on my head. there, that'll cure it. what is the shadowy Big Pharma factory cranking out?
Kim: a TUMS antacid you put in a glass of water by your nightstand and it starts fizzing tiny bubbles. when we get to their headquarters i must warn you not to get distracted, it looks like Spaceballs.

Cameron: why'd you name the computer program Ripe?
Revok: i smell.
Ruth: did you Scan the computer?
Cameron: yes. but all i'm getting is Pong.

Kim: a telephone booth? really?
Cameron: Superman is HUGE right now. Christopher Reeve will live FOREVER!!!
Kim: he's got dreamy steel eyes. steel eyes not steely eyes.
Cameron: you know it really HURTS MY HEAD to destroy this grand computer like this. it's the early 1980s, you know? the Computer Age is just starting out...

at the halfway house.
Cameron: that look on your face, are you bored?
Kim: you really need to read faces better, that is not one of your Scanner superpowers. i'm not bored, i'm mad. not crazy, angry. i can't get pregnant like this woman. i want a family, i want a NORMAL LIFE!!! what good is marriage if you can't have fun and get knocked up?
Cameron: oh so you're jealous.
Kim: okay you're getting better.

Kim: don't mind me, i'll escape in this James Bond On Her Majesty's Secret Service snow helicopter.

Revok: our father.
Cameron: who art in Heaven.
Revok: no, Ruth is our father.
Cameron: so? he seems like a nice guy.
Revok: his dirty little secret was the West German thalidomide scandal!!!
Cameron: i mean is morning sickness really THAT bad? i don't know, i've never been pregnant, just wondering out loud.

Revok: brother, now it's time for our lightsaber battle without the lightsabers.
Cotard: brother, this is us everyday!!! it's like a tickle fight.
Codrus: ...
Codrus: sigh.

Revok: thanks, now my body is bacon.

Kim: wait, are you Cameron or Revok now?
Cameron: both and neither.
Kim: wanna get married?
Cameron: i'm too young and you're too old, lady.
Kim: on second thought, forget it. Revok is more manly than you but he's psycho. what to do what to do. Cameron, it's just, you kinda come off as Simpleton Peter, you know? 

Cronenberg: okay fine, how did we pull off the exploding head? what was my secret? root beer. we used root beer. Canadian root beer and McDonald's. g'night folks. oh i HATE when the end credits go DOWN instead of up like that.

me: shall we discuss Storybook International?
Jen: the episode with the tumbledown cottage? about the bowyer who makes a golden bow out of Jennifer Lawrence's money?
Brad Gilbert: i am Blanket Jackson's father.
Jen: hop off.
me: i'm sorry for offending you.
Jen: no, hop off the shortbus like the Easter Bunny to Delaware Shores and let's get some puzza.
Michael Ironside: i stink like an Italian man.
Lucio Rossi: ...
me: belter?
Jen: no, sand belter like when Fran Drescher sings, her mouth is full of sand.
Fran Drescher: power intensifies. power solidifies. the power to help others. the power to help an entire community of artists.
Jenny Baranick: for the first time in my life i wanna be a wench. a chicken leg wench. Euouae is making me miss being Medieval. all English teachers yearn to go back in time. and to teach in the United Arab Emirates. neume is NOT for the Rubenesque girls.
Greykid: i know what it's like being someone's soul cat. to be a soul pet is LONGER than to be a soulmate.

me by the fire: Jersey Mike's. a sub above. i need to know what they put in that vinegar.
Melissa Maker: it's used to clean.










Wednesday, March 20, 2024

THE MAGIC HORSE


 








Jen R: IT'S TONY SEASON!!!
me: the Sopranos are doing a cooking show?
Jen: IT'S BROADWAY SEASON!!! all the GOOD Broadway plays are being put up now, let's check one out.
me: first we gotta get to NYC.
Jen: no prob, New York's in my blood, click your green heels thrice and you're there. 
we see The Ally, a powerful Broadway play starring Josh Radnor in a beige sweater.
afterwards, Josh is insistent he speak with the audience.
Josh Radnor: listen folks, Sweet November is the WORST romcom OF ALL TIME.
Axl Rose: i liked it.
Keanu Reeves: i just mind-scrubbed that movie out of all your systems when you looked at my shades.
Aeon Flux: this is why i went lesbian...
Josh Radnor: but if you have to, if you have to, i IMPLORE you, do not watch The Man in the Moon 1991, i'm serious about this, watching that movie is the same thing as going through HELL.
Jim Carrey: and you thought Andy Kaufman was insufferable.
Josh: ladies and gentlemen, fresh off his retirement, i present to you, Sam Waterston!!!
the Broadway audience stands up and claps and ovates.
Sam Waterston: please sit the fuck down, ladies and gentlemen, i can't stand up. i hated doing that Southern movie, i'm not a Southern guy, look at me. i hated being a lawyer for all those years on Law & Order, i wanted to be a doctor to displease my mother. i tried to get on St. Elsewhere but by the time i got the audition that hospital had disappeared...

MBC: so like that L.A. health food store Erewhon is St. Elsewhere now, right? cuz all of those stores have shuttered... 
Erewhon: not an exact palindrome...

me: you know what Josh Radnor does here, THIS is the dream life.
Jen: right? but you have to be DREAMY like Josh Radnor or it doesn't work.
me: you're doing VITAL vibrant important Broadway theatre, what more do you want out of life?
Alex Silber knuckling my temples with her knuckles: this is what i've been trying to drill in your head for years now. this is the true meaning of the word instill...
Gurren Lagann: instill drill.
Josh Radnor: yeah. plus i married my therapist. but see that will only happen if you're as handsome as me. 
Josh's wife: Josh came in to see me complaining of having stage fright issues. as his therapist i recommended a regimen of powerful antipsychotic meds. 
Josh: those really messed me up.
wife: then i decided to just marry him cuz he had such a cute face. right? he looks like a housecat. we used the money for the meds for the wedding instead.

Boc: i walk instead of paying for a gym, my workout is out in the open every morning for public consumption.
Josh Radnor: i feel ya, brother, my Broadway performance is out there for public consumption every night. but not my private life. the public has NO IDEA how i work out.........in a gym...
Dirg in the Broadway audience: hey so is this question-and-answer time? look, if you're not gonna fuck me, i don't care what your favorite music is...
Jen: hey let's get Tad's Steaks before they close.
me: mine has Philadelphia peppers.
Jen: Tad, isn't that the character Josh Radnor played? i never watched that mother of a TV show...

Jen: let's get KitKats at the August Wilson Theatre...
Cole Escola: my name sounds like cola. New Coke that's good for you.
me: i am the EXACT body type as Cole Escola if i had become a famous actor like i had wanted to...
Doryce: they called me Sweaty Betty in college. i didn't go to Vassar, i went to Notre Dame...
Gladyce: and you didn't do P.E. once.
Doryce: sex is the best exercise. hot racking? sounds dirty but it's just when we rearranged the beds in our sorority...
Sweaty Betty: i sound like a Garbage Pail Kid. hot racking is getting illegal doubles of our cards on the black market. you have to realize, NO Garbage Pail Kid exercises...

Josh Radnor: i can't do Broadway without my banana.
Boc: same. it's a weak walk from me without my banana.

me: what's this?
Jen: Princess Zelda's golden horse from Tears of the Kingdom.
me: but what's it doing on Fifth Avenue?
Jen: haven't you ever wanted to race a horse down Broadway Avenue?...

Pati Jinich: only I make playing soccer in jeans sexy.
me: i'm not gay but WOO those sons of hers are handsome. all 3 of them. My Three Sons. they each have that striking Mexican Mediterranean jaw.
Pati Jinich: my sons, mis hijos, all 3 young men are starring in that PBS telenovela. my husband plays an old bandito on the show...

Pati Jinich: i recently went through a nightmare in my cocina. it was so disturbing it had to be real. i was washing an old pot and pan when i discovered an old avocado that must have been 3 YEARS OLD it was so musty!!! wrinkled and wrinkly and white and in cobwebs, so bruised it was oozing guacamole pus. this thing smelled like Gwyneth Paltrow's grandmother's vagina. i was so taken aback and horrified at the sight of it my tits deflated into flat Mexican pancakes. this avocado obviously wasn't from Mexico, ours are strong and last a lifetime in Leone, this avocado must have been from Pennsylvania...
Chris Matthews: ...
sopa: so the Storybook International episode "Secret Soup," i mean shouldn't it have been called "Nail Soup"?...

Kathie Lee Gifford: the world is getting troubling. what can i say? what can i do? one day a white van will pull up to my country home and "pick me up." you'll never hear from me again. in the meantime i take fruits-and-vegetables gummies to relax...

Mr. Kotter: i started my career on Broadway. doing Hair. nobody was looking at my exposed penis, my pubic hair, my junk hair, they were all MESMERIZED by the afro on top of my head. be honest, it wasn't Cindy Crawford that first turned you on to Pepsi, it was MR. GABE KOTTER drinking Pepsi that made you go gaga for Pepsi. i still have some carbonated Pepsi bubbles trapped in my Groucho mustache. on that ABC Olympics with the TV Stars sports show. kids want to be cool like their teachers...

William Shakespeare: i'm a writer not a handyman but heed my words of advice. don't eat soup with a nail in it, you might swallow the nail by accident. also don't get your shoes fitted to your feet like a horseshoe...
Peyton Manning: ...

Boc: frantic cell-phone call to your last contact on the corner of a 7-Eleven next to the school bus-stop bench at 7:30AM in the morning, i know what that's like...
Robert De Niro: ...

Dirg: my girlfriend's sketch.........no she's not a sketchy person, this is her DRAWING...
Mardith: come on, man, you don't have a girlfriend. and if you did she would never be an artist...

Aunt Cork: that's MY hand they used for the Body Glove logo when i was holding a ski.
Uncle Russ: it's actually my hand when i went deep-sea fishing, i'm holding an underwater turnip flower.
Tim: it's my hand holding a soft fluffy baseball.
Kavita: no it's MY hand holding a hippie peace flower despite the fact i was born in India and am 25. we listened to the Beatles over in India, too, you know...

The Pope listening to the George Michael song "Religion" in her saint's spa: i will retire the MOMENT, the MOMENT, i can wear a bikini on St. Peter's Square. the moment the world turns atheist. wait a moment, retire? you're retired FROM THE START the moment you become a priest...
Storybook International priest: in the Middle Ages, the town priest was more important than the town doctor. had more stature than the town blacksmith. we worked FUCKING HARD.

Minster: mantuary? but that's all monks...
Mardith: see the thing is my woman cave has a pool table...

Dragon's Lair: kids, never use the direct approach...

i'm at the Penguin Post Office.
Lindy Lenz: you could have just called.
me: that was the thing, i couldn't. i mean i DID call that number you gave me. 50 TIMES a day.
Lindy: but it never went through cuz you never pushed 1. and you were crying through the whole dial. i promise we'll meet soon. but it could take, like, 3 years more.
me: i live in a dream world where you leave an Instagram voice message for me every single day...
Lindy: did you find the cat clippers?
me: the cat nail scissors? yes. in a dream. but it wasn't real when i searched the location here at the North Pole in real life. or is it the South Pole? nobody can tell anymore. i can't use these weapons of war on my cats, i use them on my nails as my nail clippers.
Greykid: you're getting a grey lump of coal in your stocking.
Lindy Lenz: they say you should delete all messages that are a year old for space.
me: that assumes that i am HOPEFUL FOR THE FUTURE!!! i dare not delete your messages to me from 15 years back, they're the only voice of yours I GOT!!!

Irish Prime Minister: i'm resigning because Chicken Al Pastor is back at Chipotle.
Pati Jinich: i got that clue, green guac...

Mitch English for Wendy's: you don't understand, for some the Darude song is a song of healing after incalculable permanent devastating loss. this is how i cope, by singing and dancing to this song.

Addison Rae: since i'm only a YouTube girl i could only get this Nerds commercial. they called me YouTube trash. i auditioned to BE Jennifer Beals in the Flashdance reboot...

Olivia Benson: if i had been locked inside a Kohl's overnight instead as a kid, i would have owned an artist gallery and shopped for Matisses as a healthy adult instead...

Jennifer Beals: see me. listen to me. listen to my needs. i won't ace that audition unless i eat carrot sticks and celery sticks first. i need you to find me one more bare shoulder so we never have to wear shoulderpads again...

boy on the baseball diamond: when i grow up i want to be an MLB baseball player, they play in Korea and i need to get emancipated from my parents NOW...

Dolce & Gabbana: we cleared this desert of Bono before we shot. K and Q stand for Klepto and Quiz.

Patrick Lavender: imagine if i had remained a Democrat, Starbucks would have named a drink after me...

Arm & Hammer.
dad: dig deep to clean.
son: dad, i found the Rabbit Hole to that Alice in Wonderland world!!!
dad: we can't talk about that world anymore, son. and it's not because of the drug angle...
Melissa Maker: i can enter that hole at anytime but i've been shadowbanned from it...

Amazon Prime troll: why am i so angry? look at the GORGEOUS STONE castle for a house i call home. i'm created from a broom by a god named Jim Henson. and i found out i'm gay after viewing one episode of Reacher. i know who i am now. and Larry David is a HILARIOUS little troll. but broadcast TV is still better than streaming...

ACE Hardware: at ACE your backyard is our backyard, that's not us peeing in it.

we're at Starbucks after the show.
Jen R: it's ritual, after watching a Broadway show you MUST scurry across the street to the Starbucks opposite the stage. and drink some lavender coffee.
me: this coffee tastes like.........St. Cyril's...
me: is that Ear Horn in the green apron as the new countergirl?...
Julie Patzwald: makes sense, Japan has a Sakura Cherry Blossom coffee...
Jen: i want you to close your eyes and sit back. in that order, trust fall. imagine you on the horse, you're riding to exotic locales over the planet. the firefall at Yosemite that looks like a giant horsetail. quenched only by Canada's Horseshoe Falls. 
Melissa Maker: that's where the back-entrance is to that caterpillar puffing weed...
Jen: you lead our horse to water. at Washington, D.C., i lived in D.C. for a few years...
Uncle Sigh: i drank the ENTIRE Tidal Basin...
Jen: now picture 7 bathing beauties from the year 1920. they're in their sexy one-piece bodysuits which are the bikinis of the day. look at their faces, they have perfectly human faces like you and me, despite being 100 years old. they don't look weird or strange, they look human. and none of them have HEARD of F. Scott Fitzgerald...